


with these things there's no telling, we just have to wait and see

by Directionless_Foray



Series: and you’ll come back to me (not swallowed in the sea) [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Crack, Drabbles, Fluff, M/M, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:39:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Directionless_Foray/pseuds/Directionless_Foray
Summary: A collection of drabbles and oneshots.





	1. and all these loud voices, they seem to be saying the same things

**Author's Note:**

> This one is set just after the end of 'this meandering road of ours' and before 'and I could write a song, a hundred miles long' and though you don't need to have read the second one, I'd recommend reading the first one before this one. 
> 
> Title from 'first day of my life' by Bright Eyes

"Sarutobi, a word," Tsunade's tone is icy, "my office _, now,"_ she doesn't mince her words.

 

Everyone in the mission-room winces but Asuma dutifully follows the Godaime with his back straight and his jaw tensed.

 

There's really no question as to why he's being called into-

 

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU SARUTOBI," comes the screech from the hallway.

 

Were the occupants of the mission-room not well-trained ninja they would have jumped out of shock, but as it is there are only a handful of flinches. "DID YOUR LAST FORAY DOWN THIS DAMNED AVENUE NOT TEACH YOU A LESSON? ARE YOU BEING DELIBERATELY OBTUSE AND DIFFICULT?"

 

"Hokage-sama, I believe everyone in the building can hear us-"

 

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT, TELL ME RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT FUCKING AROUND AND YOU ACTUALLY PLAN TO DO THIS, TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SHIKAMARU, _YET AGAIN_?"

 

"Hokage-sama I'd be happy to discuss this-"

 

"SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT _HOKAGE-SAMA_ BULLSHIT, JUST TELL ME IF I IMAGINED THE COLOSSAL FUCKING CATASTROPHE THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TWO FUCKED AROUND-"

 

"HOKAGE-SAMA yes, I am serious about this, yes I am aware that it ended rather catastrophically last time, but I really think this would be a conversation better suited to your office."

 

Silence.

 

"Fine, follow me."

 

-

 

Konohamaru is the first to seek out Tsunade. He barges into her office a mere three days later in a storm of fierce determination and youthful energy.

 

"You can't possibly be serious Tsunade-sama," he complains, "Asuma and Shikamaru are so _happy_ and _it's working_ this time around. It really is! It doesn't show very good judgement and leadership if you don't trust your people and give them the benefit of the doubt!"

 

"Stand _still,_ Konohamaru," Tsunade says evenly.

 

"Tsunade-sama, you're not giving them a second chance and it's not fair and _it makes me respect you less_ ," his indignation is admirable and clearly comes from a very genuine place.

 

His words bother her though, she wants to believe that she's above the reproach of a _child_ , a _sullen teenager,_ but she's always respected the perception of children… respected how they are honest in ways adults are trained out of. They recognise things adults too quickly dismiss.

 

Children are good judges of character and say what you will, but Konohamaru's character is a fine one, and to earn his ire bothers Tsunade more than it should.

 

"Konohamaru, thank you for coming to see me but this has very little to do with you," she placates.

 

"No, that's not true, Asuma is _family_ and I don't have enough of that left so I have to protect it and-"

 

" _Konohamaru_ -"

 

"-No, you're not _listening-"_

 

"- _Yes, I am._ I am giving this matter due thought and you've said your piece so _you can leave now_."

 

Konohamaru's shoulders slump but he nods, understanding that he is being dismissed by the _Hokage_.

 

Tsunade smiles despite herself, "and Konohamaru?" He looks up cautiously, "Konohamaru, your grandfather would be proud of you for standing up for your family," his back straightens and the blooming grin splits his face.

 

"Now try and trust my judgement and get the hell out of my office," her words do little to temper his happiness, if anything his grin grows bigger.

 

"Yes, Hokage-sama, I will, Hokage-sama," the smile is still there but Tsunade finds she's growing, reluctantly, fond of it.

 

-

 

Iruka-sensei is a surprise.

 

"May I have a word Hokage-sama?" he asks innocuously, Tsunade inclines her head and gestures for him to continue.

 

"I understand of course why you are reluctant to… authorise the relationship between a superior and his subordinate especially under these specific circumstances," he says carefully, "but having observed their relationship myself and of course knowing Asuma-san for as long as I have, I have to, _respectably,_ implore you to reconsider your decision Hokage-sama."

 

Iruka bows low, and his face may be red but his eyes are bright.

 

Tsunade rests her chin on a hand and cocks her head, "if I remember correctly, you voiced some of the loudest objections to this relationship when it first began."

 

Iruka nods twice, "yes, Hokage-sama, and I do still believe it was unwise for them to pursue the relationship then, but now I believe both parties, both accomplished and respected ninja, have matured and are able to conduct themselves and the relationship accordingly."

 

He bows again and Tsunade has half a mind to tell him to stop bowing but she figures he'd just apologise and bow again.

 

She instead nods and waves her hand, "duly noted Iruka-sensei, I will give your insight due consideration," she says.

 

He nods, bows once more and leaves the room,

 

 _Huh_ , Tsunade thinks to herself, _who'd have thought._

 

-

 

Kakashi dwardles at the end of a post-mission debrief and Tsunade rolls her eyes guessing at his reason for wanting a private audience with her.

 

"Spit it out Kakashi," she closes her eyes and presses her fingers to the sides of her temple.

 

"I would like to personally vouch for the relationship between Asuma and Shikamaru, for whatever its worth, Hokage-sama," his hands are shoved in his pockets and he's _slouching_ but Tsunade doesn’t doubt his sincerity.

 

If he wasn't sincere he wouldn't be here, plain and simple. He's got better things to do than to come have a chat with her on a whim.

 

She leans back in her chair and wishes, selfishly, for some kind of medical emergency that would require her immediate attention, she immediately chides herself and brings her attention back to the matter at hand. "… And what grounds do you have for this, apparently, sure confidence in this objectively terrible relationship?"

 

Ignoring her poorly concealed impatience, Kakashi pulls a hand out of a pocket and counts on his fingers, "well, for starters if the age-gap, and all other inconvenient factors, weren't at play all at once, could you honestly say you wouldn't think this to be a solid relationship of equals?"

 

He continues on another finger, "secondly, they're hardly the first superior/ subordinate relationship _this_ administration has seen, or even the first failed one that has decided to give it a second try, they're perhaps one of the more visible and infamous of such relationships but I don't see why that should warrant special treatment."

 

He ticks off a third finger, "and lastly, wasting extra manpower and your effort on trying to prevent a relationship between two consenting adults who have shown no signs of disregarding or disrespecting the system seems a waste of your precious time and energy and an insult to two mature and capable shinobi who are devoted to serving their village."

 

Tsunade thinks about it for a second, she can tell by the sharpness of Kakashi's sentiment that her actions must have struck a chord with the jōnin _,_ "anything else to add," she finally asks tiredly.

 

"Nope, that's about it," he smiles apologetically. 

 

As she watches his stroll out of her office she remembers, _ah Kakashi._

 

_Kakashi who has felt the unforgiving and stinging ache of losing a loved-one, of losing a piece of yourself and gaining a 'what-if', to the rigidity of_ **_lines_ ** _. Lines that sometimes need to be crossed._

 

_Losing all of that to a reluctance to open one's heart. Lost to the mistake of thinking matters of the heart are black and white._

 

_Yes, Kakashi_ **_would_ ** _be particularly invested in this._

 

-

 

Anko breezes into her office unexpectedly and cuts straight to the chase. "Hokage-sama, we've teased them for almost three years and, to be perfectly honest, that's seemed to do nothing but strengthen their relationship."

 

Tsunade can feel a headache coming on and has a feeling that it's here to stay for the near future.

 

_Kami, maybe she should just get Shizune to set up a box for all correspondence regarding Shikamaru and Asuma. Set up a public poll or something._

 

"We've tried to get them to keep their distance when they were apart, tried to warn them of the consequences, but surprise _surprise_ they're still going strong. It's hard to imagine even your disapproval would dissuade them, to be honest," she shrugs.

 

"If this relationship is set to blow up yet again, honestly, Hokage-sama, I think you're just going to have to let it blow up spectacularly again just to teach them a lesson," Tsunade means to groan internally but somewhere along the way a sound of such exhausted defeat escapes her lips. Anko smiles sympathetically

 

Tsunade frowns, "I don't like the idea of sitting by and letting a disaster _just occur_ , I'd just be giving it my _blessing,_ and come to think of it, why are _you_ saying all this anyway?"

 

Anko sighs, her gaze is drawn to the large window just behind Tsunade's desk, the sky is a peaceful blue and everything seems right in the world _, outside the room_ that is _._ "We're shinobi, Hokage-sama, any kind of happiness that is free of deception, manipulation, and does no harm to anyone else, quite frankly, is _rare_ and _deserving_ of a blessing _."_

 

Tsunade turns in her chair to follow Anko's gaze, tracing the movement of a lone sparrow on the roof, "they're stubborn and in-love, Hokage-sama, not to mention clever ninja, I don't think there's much else you, or anyone else, can do outside of riding this one out."  

 

She doesn't even bother waiting for Anko to fully leave the room before reaching for the bottle of saké stashed in the bottom drawer of her desk. She has a feeling she'll need a new bottle before the end of the week.

 

Anko's tinkling laughter filters through from down the hallway.

 

-

 

Gai drops by one sunny afternoon and stands a touch too close to her table with shining eyes.

 

"Hokage-sama, I understand with the noble lives we shinobi lead, it is important to abide by firm boundaries, however, Hokage-sama, I believe a mistake is being made with regards to Asuma and Shikamaru."

 

The persistent head-ache intensifies if at all physically possible, "why do you say that, Gai?"

 

"Because though the odds were stacked up against them, and they fell down at first, I believe they have picked themselves up and a love as fervent and pure as theirs deserves to bloom in the sunlight and not waste away in the shadows," he says solemnly. 

 

Tsunade is ready to tell him to _please leave_ but he evidently has more, "I, naturally, respect Asuma greatly, he is a brilliant shinobi and a trusted friend with sound judgement, as has been proven time after time. However, my conscience beseeches me to add that Shikamaru is also a shining credit to Konoha and one of the sharpest minds I have come across. I understand that diminishing his judgement simply because of his age is a foolish error often made by his opponents." 

 

"Thank you for your input Gai, now will you kindly get off of my desk."

 

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

 

The headache, instead of being abated, only intensifies as Tsunade watches Gai stride out of her office.

 

-

 

Kurenai is the only one to properly make an appointment with Shizune.

 

It's a nice gesture but at this point in the week she kind of just wants to not have to deal with another animated speech.

 

That being said, she's interested to see what approach Kurenai will take, after all, she and Asuma had been in a relationship themselves.

 

"Hokage-sama, I know Asuma to be a strong and mature Shinobi, who knows himself and his own limits well, I may not know Nara Shikamaru as well but from my observations, and by all accounts, he is intelligent, astute, and also incredibly competent. Unless you have some damning insight into some kind of fatal flaws in their character I don't believe you should be so quick to doubt and disapprove of their relationship."

 

Fair, logical, and articulate.

 

Not that she would expect anything less from Kurenai, "and what of your history with Sarutobi, would you not think that perhaps you are somewhat biased?" she can't help asking.

 

Kurenai flushes slightly but then narrows her eyes, "that relationship ended, and I believe my judgement to be fair and unbiased, I have known and respected Asuma long before we became involved and that respect has never wavered even after we went our separate ways," she hastily adds, "and my respect for Shikamaru, which I believe he reciprocates, is also certain."

 

"Alright, thank you for your input."

 

"Thank you for the audience, Hokage-sama," she bows low and turns, before she leaves she adds, "and Hokage-sama, I'd hazard that my _history_ with Asuma indicates that he is perfectly capable of maintaining a professional and friendly relationship with someone post-separation."

 

Tsunade wants to laugh, _sweet Kami, yes, very logical._

 

She just nods as if to say, _okay, okay, you've made your point._

 

-

 

If Iruka is a surprise, Genma is completely out of the fucking blue.

 

He's reporting back to her about a disturbance near the border of the village and as they're wrapping up he asks, "may I also have a word with you about a separate, more personal, matter, Hokage-sama?"

 

If it weren't for the prestige and respect of her office she would bang her head against her desk repeatedly. Instead, all she can do is glare at Genma and gesture for him to say his piece.

 

"Surely the power of enduring love, is not what has swayed you to the cause," she asks dryly.

 

"No, Hokage-sama," he rolls his eyes, "but I've watched this relationship, almost from the beginning, and though I still have concerns, I don't see how those concerns differ from those that would arise from any other relationship that was perhaps not nurtured under the most encouraging conditions."

 

He looks thoughtful, and for all his droll and laconic demeanour, Genma is one of the most respected jōnin in the ranks, he's reasonable, sharp, and his judgement is rarely ever wrong, "most of your concern no doubt arises from the fact that Shikamaru is the young son of your strategist and commander, whilst Asuma has an equally… _daunting_ , reputation…  remaining son of the Sandaime and former member of the Guardian Twelve, and so forth."

 

He crosses his arms, "though the odds may appear stacked against this relationship, the concerns involved are mostly superficial, and while the extra level of concern is understandable it's also arguably irrational."

 

Tsunade breathes out of her nose, "are you doubting my judgement Shiranui," there's not much heat to her accusation, perhaps because she probably  _would_  be at least a little worried if a level-headed and intelligent shinobi like Genma _was indeed_ doubting her judgement.

 

He chews on his senbon consideringly, "no Hokage-sama, I apologise if that's what it came across as," he sighs, "I suppose you just have the difficult task of having to definitively decide whether or not to bet on the odds or against them," he says evenly.

 

"I'm a notoriously bad gambler, Shiranui," Tsunade smirks.

 

"We're his friends," Genma retorts, "we can't truly be trusted to bet on these odds either." 

 

-

 

Shikaku comes her with a fresh bottle of saké, he places it on the table as a peace offering.

 

"Say what you have to say, Shikaku," Tsunade forgoes any niceties. Her patience has been long gone, not that she had that much to begin with, last time she saw it was probably three speeches ago.

 

"I'd like to make it perfectly clear, that I am here, not in the capacity of your jōnin-commander, your strategist, or even an official advisor. I am here as a trusted but unofficial advisor and as a father."

 

Tsunade quirks a brow, "continue then."

 

"I won't take up too much of your time, Hokage-sa-"

 

Tsunade throws up a hand and interjects, "if you are coming to me as an unofficial advisor and as Shikamaru's father, _please_ , call me Tsunade."

 

He nods, understanding dawning in his eyes, "of course, Tsunade," she helps herself to the saké, he did bring it for her after all.

 

"Shikamaru is my son and I've worked with Asuma for a number of years, Shikamaru is my son and of course, logically, I am somewhat biased, but I also know him better than anyone in the village and trust me when I say he knows his limits, he knows his _mind,_ and he knows his _heart._ Though I can try to guide him and offer him advice, he is my son and I would have to be a particularly cold-hearted creature to deny his heart and dismiss his mind."

 

"And Asuma?" Tsunade asks, keen to hear his thoughts on the jōninas _a father._

 

 _"_ Naturally, I wasn't _thrilled_ when I heard they were involved," Shikaku's lip curls, "but I trust Asuma with my troops, and now, I suppose I'm trusting him with my son," _who is infinitely more valuable to me_ , is implied and hangs heavily in the room.

 

"He would hate me for saying this, but he is his father's son, honourable and stubborn but true of heart and though it took a while to warm up to the idea. I didn't think I would find myself In this position, but here I am voicing my full-throated and whole-hearted support of this relationship, which really should be a testament to how strong that what they have really is."

 

Shikaku shrugs, "I'll leave you to your deliberations and paperwork, Tsunade."

 

He turns to leave but Tsunade stops him again, "Shikaku, stop," she steeples her fingers, "that was as a _father_ , in an _unofficial_ capacity," she gestures to the space in front of her, "now as my jōnin-commander, as my strategist, what do you think about Asuma and Shikamaru."

 

He stops at the door and twists around, "as your commander and strategist, Hokage-sama?" He smiles darkly, "I know both of the personnel involved and respectfully? The train is leaving with or without you, and in my professional judgement it's a pretty sturdy train, so you may as well climb aboard."

 

-

 

Ino and Choji come to her as a united front which is no surprise. They look a little nervous but their strides are purposeful as they come to a standstill in front of her desk.

 

"Hokage-sama, we've come to see you to talk about Asuma-sensei and Shikamaru… if that's alright," she ends slightly uncertain.

 

"Go ahead, Ino, Choji," she softens. Marginally.

 

"Well," Ino tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear, "if you don't mind us saying, we know this couple better than most other people, we know them both as individuals and as a unit."

 

Ino presses her lips together, "I love them both so profoundly, Hokage-sama, and it breaks my heart to see them like this, to see them carrying the burden of your disapproval and having to treat their relationship, their love for each other, like a black mark on their impeccable character." Her expression hardens, "that breaks my heart, it also makes me _angry,_ it makes me _angry_ that two brilliant, skilful shinobi who I admire so much and who are such sources of pride for this village, it makes me _angry_ that they are being treated this way."

 

A Yamanaka's eyes are a clear, glass-like blue that are bottomless and expressive. Right now those eyes burn with a cold fire that reminds Tsunade of the authoritative resolve of Ino's formidable father's.

 

Tsunade inclines her head to Akimichi, he has yet to speak but he's standing with his back straight and eyes stony. "Is this what you also think, Choji?" she asks, honestly curious.

 

"Yes," he says simply, "I have known Asuma-sensei for a number of years, I have seen- been guided by a man who refuses to be defined by his last name and a list of achievements, he's a man who embodies, _actions speak louder than words_. He judges people based on the measure of their character and how true their hearts are."

 

Tsunade nods, it's fascinating hearing what Asuma's students think of him, mostly unfiltered, and full of passion.

 

She herself never undertook a genin team, she never thought she'd take to it and if she's being honest with herself, the idea of guiding young ninja and nurturing the Will of Fire terrified something deep inside of her.

 

That part of her that was more comfortable with the methodical healing of wounds and fixing of problems.

 

The part of her that knew all too well how _humans_ can let you down.

 

Her own team's rather disastrous implosion and fallout probably didn't help.     

 

"… And Shikamaru? I do believe you've known him almost all your life," she asks Choji, tone surprisingly encouraging. She's surprised by how curious she is to hear what these two think.

 

"Yes, I've known Shikamaru for almost all my life," Choji tries to disguise the emotion in his voice but Tsunade can hear it and she can see Ino smiling with such naked affection out of the corner of her eye. "He's one the people I admire, respect, and _trust_ the most," he says simply, Ino is nodding unconsciously Tsunade notes with amusement.

 

"Understandable and I daresay justified," Tsunade smiles faintly, she's briefly transported back to a time that feels like eons ago, a time when she would look upon her own teammates with such _awe_ and _trust_ that felt as natural as breathing.

 

Choji grows serious and his hands clench into trembling fists, "I've also watched as people who knew nothing about him, would draw their own conclusions and use them as labels and weapons to decide who he was for him. To decide he was just a lazy loser who would, only by virtue of his family-name, narrowly avoid amounting to nothing."

 

This too is familiar to Tsunade, the pure, white-hot, and helpless rage, having to stand by as someone you _loved_ and _respected_ and wanted to _protect_ , was labelled by people who didn't know him, who didn't care to properly understand him either.

 

"I watched and did nothing as people decided for Shikamaru who he was and what he could achieve, who he would become, and later on I _stood by_ as he _stood u_ p for something he believed in, only for others to call him cruel and _false_ things which he simply shouldered, like the burdens he always shoulders for others, because the _idiot_ thought that he deserved to suffer."

 

He takes a steadying breath and Tsunade, in spite of herself feels her eyes grow slightly wet, Ino is openly sniffling, "I refuse to stand idly by while he is punished for doing nothing wrong, Hokage-sama, he _made a mistake,_ then he just _took responsibility_ for the consequences, accepted the gossip and whispering, and he took the time to grow and mature, and isn't that what you would hope and expect of your finest shinobi?"

 

Ino places a hand on Choji's arm and they clasp their hands together, a show of unity and strength from one of the strongest units among the ninja ranks. Ino's chin juts out, and she summarises it aptly, "Hokage-sama, you're deciding who Shikamaru is for him and we can't allow you to do that."

 

Tsunade looks away to school her expression into something less telling. When she looks back her expression is more controlled.

 

She nods thoughtfully. "I will take all this into consideration," the corner of her lip twitches, "thank you," she murmurs, "thank you for sharing all of this with me."

 

She sends them away before they can protest.

 

Tsunade turns around in her chair and spends an hour she probably doesn't have to delve into memories she thought were long buried under feelings of _hurt_ and _betrayal_ and _never again._

 

Though time has done nothing but intensify the tender pain of these memories she realises it's a necessary exercise she has long put off.

 

-

 

Naruto throws in a line after their regular weekly screaming match about his mission assignments.

 

After calling her an old hag who underestimates his " _great power_ " he adds, "and you're making such a mess of Asuma-sensei and Shikamaru too, how can you think they're not a great couple? What's wrong with you?"

 

Tsunade doesn’t expect that topic to come up, but she's breathing heavily and her voice is hoarse from all the yelling.  "What _?" where did that come from?_

 

"You know, you told them you didn't like that they were back together, they still are _obviously_ , but it's messing with them and Iruka-sensei said a lot of their paperwork isn't going through and it's not right!"

 

"Naruto-"

 

"Like, Shikamaru is so smart and I trust him with my life and Asuma-sensei is an awesome, experienced jōnin who's super badass, they sound perfect together?"

 

"Naruto we're talking about a complicated romantic and professional relationship, not a two-man ninja dream-team," Tsunade says archly.

 

He shrugs, clearly not caring about the reasoning for her objections, "I'm just saying, it sounds like you don't really have a good reason to disapprove other than because _you think you're meant to."_

 

With that, he brushes out of her office and leaves Tsunade stunned with his unexpected perceptiveness.   

 

-

 

Sakura mentions it casually when she comes to drop off some papers from the hospital, she places the towering stack carefully on Tsunade's desk and quietly adds, "I think, maybe, you should reconsider what you decided about Shikamaru-san and Asuma-sensei."

 

"Though I don't know them as well as some, you would have to be blind to not realise that they're brilliant individually, and together they are just as, if not _more_ brilliant, they manage to be good for each other _and_ good for the village, Hokage-sama, and any other reason you could have to disagree with their choice is, with all due respect, superficial."

 

"And why do you think you needed to give your two-cents, Sakura?" she knows Sakura won't think her question rude, she honestly just wants to know.

 

Sakura purses her lips, "well, you said I should speak up and stand up against things I believe are wrong. That I should think for myself, and that though a good ninja follows order, a good ninja should always read situations herself and, ninja must use and hone  their intelligence to think for themselves and know when to…" she searches for the words, she smiles, "...when to speak truth to power."

 

"And you're speaking truth to my power?" she asks her student fondly.

 

Sakura's smile is beautiful and befitting of her name the way it lights up her face, "yes Hokage-sama, and I hope you come to agree that what I believe is the truth, because I respect and believe in your power."

 

With that Sakura bows and makes her exit.

 

Not for the first-time Tsunade is surprised and proud of the young kunoichi under her tutelage. 

 

-

 

Shikamaru is the last one to find his way into Tsunade's office and she's honestly a little tired of all these ninja just barging into her office and trying to _nobly vouch_ for this relationship.

 

Shikamaru at least has the decency to knock on Tsunade's door and wait for her to give him permission to come in, before walking briskly into her office and stands a respectful two metres in front of her desk.

 

He doesn't beat around the bush and for that she's grateful, but her persistent headache has not dulled, if anything the throbbing pain has become more vengeful.

 

"Hokage-sama, it's come to my attention that you disapprove of my relationship with Sarutobi Asuma and have made this quite clear to him but failed to consult me whilst making judgements based on my abilities and my judgement."

 

"Did you have a point Nara, or are you just feeling left out," Tsunade massages her temple.

 

He narrows his eyes, " _yes_ to the former and _no, I don't think so_ to the latter? I'm here to argue for and defend a perfectly valid decision because Asuma is too honourable to do-"

 

"Shikamaru, I'm going to stop you there," Tsunade has no time for Shikamaru's righteous anger, partially because he is about a week late to the party, "I'm going to stop you there because, Konohamaru, Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, Iruka, Genma, your _father, let me see,_ oh yes, your teammates, also Anko, not to mention Naruto and even Sakura have _all_ beat you to it."

 

Shikamaru can only be described as flabbergasted.

 

Tsunade laughs for the first time in a long time. "Now imagine you're the one who has to listen to each and every one of these speeches, Shikamaru."

 

He looks to consider his next words, "did they sway you?" he finally asks. His question is honest and Tsunade expects it.

 

"… honestly," Tsunade smirks, "they _did_ , though there were quite a few recurring themes: how intelligent and mature you are now, how, and I'm paraphrasing, _pure yet fervent your love is_ , I'll let you guess who said that, how trustworthy both of your judgements are, and how committed you two are to each other."

 

Shikamaru looks vaguely annoyed, it's quite amusing. "They were all quite adamant and after some deliberation, I'm inclined to agree."

 

She plucks an envelope off the corner of her desk, she holds it out to Shikamaru, "inside this envelope is everything you'll need to formalise your relationship, please sign those forms and return them to my offices as soon as possible, and…" she smirks, "please extend my apologies to Asuma for scolding him like a wayward schoolboy in the hallway."  

 

Shikamaru's laugh is disbelieving but he takes the letter, nods stiffly, and turns to leave.

 

"Shikamaru," she calls out when he reaches the door, "there were a lot of people who came to your defence, rather passionately and it was… moving," she crosses her arms, "if this relationship ends in catastrophe, though you'll have to answer to me first, you'll also have to face all those friends and loved ones who have truly stuck their necks out for you two."

 

There's a long tense silence.

 

"Just thought you should know that."

 

"Understood, Hokage-sama," Shikamaru's smile is no smug smirk, it's something softer and more genuine. Tsunade thinks,  _maybe this isn't a huge mistake._

 

 

Her head aches a, heavenly, fraction less.  


	2. i'll unfold before you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set somewhere after 'this meandering road' and perhaps a little before 'and I could write a song' 
> 
> Just general (self-indulgent) fluffiness
> 
> Title from Regina Spektor's 'I choose you'

Asuma watches as Shikamaru valiantly tries to coach Raidō through a game of Shogi against Anko. She's deceptively good at Shogi, her approach is one of just barely contained chaos, it's incredibly unpredictable and incredibly effective.

 

Gai and Genma are egging both sides on. For completely different reasons mind you, Gai more so out of inherent goodwill and Genma, seemingly, for the sole purpose of blackmail material.

 

Shikamaru's brow is furrowed and he's whispering to Raidō who's nodding solemnly while Anko smiles indulgently at them from across the shogi board.

 

Asuma loves Shikamaru like this, in his element, relaxed. Flexing those formidable intellectual muscles just for the sheer enjoyment of it. 

 

"He usually hates these types of events," Shikakau says conversationally behind him.

 

Asuma smiles, "I told him he may as well make an appearance, it's the jōnin new year's party, his father is the jōnin-commander, he's dating a jōnin, and he'll be promoted to sooner rather than later anyway. It only seemed fair."

 

"I made him attend one of these when he'd just graduated from the Academy," Shikaku remarks, "I thought he was ready to see some of this world, this world waiting for him when he was ready." Shikaku watches his son with a small smile tugging at his lips, "instead he sulked the entire time and at the end of the party I found him asleep in a cupboard."

 

Asuma chuckles, nothing about that surprises him, "well, he knows who he is now… he's in a room full of ninja, _tipsy ninja,_ who outrank him and he doesn't feel like he needs to prove himself." Asuma beams around his cigarette, "he's going toe to toe with a tokubetsu jōnin because _he knows he can_ ," he nods to himself.

 

"Not to mention, he probably didn't want to care back then, but he does now, he cares about the people in the room. He cares about what they do and what they _represent_ ," he says seriously. 

 

Shikaku cocks his head, "perhaps someone has helped him realise that." He leans against the wall, "perhaps he finally sees in them what he's always seen in you, what you represent to him."

 

Asuma almost chokes on some smoke, he recovers and smiles idly over at Shikaku and deflects, "he's a credit to his _father_ , to your _family_."

 

"As you are to yours," Shikaku responds, matter-of-fact, Asuma instinctively begins to shake his head. Shikaku rolls his eyes, "I won't allow you to think otherwise and your father certainly wouldn't have."

 

"You and your father had your issues, but at the end of the day there is no father on this planet who doesn’t love his son, Asuma, and your father was truly exceptional in _many ways_ , but certainly not in this one."

 

"Thank you, Shikaku," Asuma puffs quietly.

 

Shikaku pushes himself off the wall and claps a hand on Asuma's shoulder, "take it easy Asuma, _you're doing okay_ ," he says not unkindly.

 

-

 

Shikamaru wanders outside, declining offers to assist other party goers in toppling Anko's reign of (shogi) terror, stepping out onto the veranda to find Asuma with Kakashi and Kurenai.

 

Kakashi and Kurenai quickly find some reason or other to head back inside the moment Shikamaru joins them. They both offer him a smile as they leave.

 

Kakashi's smile is enigmatic as ever but it emanates such a content warmth that it catches Shikamaru off-guard **.** Kurenai's eyes are bright and her smile is a bigger and less guarded than usual.

 

Before she ducks back inside Kurenai places a soft hand on the side of Shikamaru's face. She's always been stunning but right now she's smiling so beatifically and Shikamaru's face was already warm but at her touch, he feels his cheeks burn.  

 

"They've both had a bit to drink," Asuma says, through a cloud of smoke, by way of explanation.

 

Shikamaru looks away embarrassed. "… She's… _glowing_ ," he says, cheeks still rosy.

 

"She does that," Asuma smiles amusedly.

 

Shikamaru rolls his eyes, "trying to make me jealous?"

 

"There's absolutely nothing to be jealous of," Asuma laughs, "plus you're a little too clever to be bothered by something that harmless."

 

Shikamaru wanders over to the other side of the balcony and leans his arms against the railing, " _excuses_ , _excuses_ ," he says distractedly. Shikamaru stares out at the velvety night sky littered with stars, tracing an imaginary constellation with a small smile. 

 

Asuma stubs out his cigarette and ambles over to him. He pulls Shikamaru against his chest, Shikamaru grumbles but when Asuma nestles his chin against the crook of Shikamaru's neck he moves in closer. "Also, you know, _I love you,_ so you don't need to worry about any pretty kunoichi stealing my heart," he murmurs.

 

"What about a handsome, strapping young man?" Shikamaru asks dryly.

 

"Mmh…" Asuma pretends to consider this, Shikamaru just settles himself more comfortably against Asuma's solid chest, "… hmm," he grins and nuzzles Shikamaru's ear, "I think I'm good for handsome, strapping young men, don't you?"

 

"Well, unless your hiding some secret harem, that's a relief," Shikamaru chuckles but he turns around and presses a closed mouth kiss against Asuma's lips.

 

Asuma wraps his arms around Shikamaru to hold him in place. "I wasn't kidding before, _I love you_ ," he whispers.

 

"I'm not kidding either, I love you," Shikamaru grins against his lips, "also I've had a bit to drink as well," he adds as an afterthought.

 

"I can tell," Asuma grins back, Shikamaru is a fraction more pliant and affectionate than usual, in fact, there's a hand creeping steadily down his lower back, "your right hand has gotten awfully adventurous."

 

Said hand deliberately squeezes and well… Asuma's ready to go home now. 

 

"Caught red-handed," Shikamaru laughs. Asuma laughs as well, _Kami this brat._

 

_(_ **_His_ ** _brat.)_

 

They're rudely startled out of their little reverie by a banging on the screen door, "we can both see _and_ hear you," Hayate calls out. There are nods, cheerful waves, and a handful of lewd winks all around. 

 

_Fucking ninja and their predisposition to eavesdrop._

 

Shikamaru's forehead smacks against Asuma's shoulder. "This is why I hate coming to these things," he mutters but he turns his head to smile fondly up at Asuma. 

 

Asuma contemplates picking up Shikamaru bridal-style and making a swift departure but decides against it. Though Shikamaru is in a good mood he still wouldn't enjoy appearing fragile in front of superiors.

 

Instead, Asuma wraps a supportive arm around Shikamaru's waist, takes a step back, gets a good footing on the railing of the balcony, and offers Shikamaru a conspiratorial grin.

 

Shikamaru catches on quickly and leans into Asuma's side. He lazily salutes the inhabitants behind the screen door and Asuma pulls him up and off the edge of the veranda as they leap into the cool night.

 

"My father's going to kill you," Shikamaru comments as they run silently along rooftops, he tilts his face up towards the twinkling star adorned sky, "or you're going to find yourself assigned to some really shitty missions."

 

"It's okay," Asuma smiles, feeling freer and more untroubled than he has in a long time, "after all, he's your father and he loves you."


	3. some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck (some nights, I call it a draw)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set at the beginning of 'and I could write a song' as will become quite clear. 
> 
> I'd recommend reading that, also the first drabble in this series, before reading this!
> 
> Title for the chapter from 'Some Nights' by Fun

Tsunade watches Shikamaru sweep out of her office, he's just barely hiding his desperation.

 

Allowing him to lead this mission is a gamble and Tsunade _prays_ this leap of faith will pay off.

 

She's tired of not having enough faith in _people_.

 

She needs something,  _someone,_ to restore her faith. 

 

She so desperately wants a reason to trust _people_ again, she's only sorry this responsibility is being set atop the already heaving weight of the burden balanced upon Shikamaru's shoulders. 

 

He's already carrying far too much on those shoulders for any twenty-year-old, regardless of how _brilliant_ and _competent_ he may be, he's still _so young._

 

 _Then and again,_ Tsunade thinks bitterly to herself, _I was young before as well. My shoulders were not free from the weight of inordinate burden either._

 

She smothers the unexpected bitterness as soon as it arises, momentarily shocked by how ugly and grotesque it is, like a thick, black tar clogging up her heart and tampering with her judgement.

 

She closes her eyes and feels, for a moment, every single second of her long and arduous existence.

 

She opens her eyes. 

 

Shikamaru is too _young_ for the set of his shoulders and the devastated hollowness in his eyes. Tsunade knows this.

 

There's no real difference between _young_ or _old_ for shinobi though, not really, just _dead_ or _alive._ Tsunade knows this too.

 

Still, she's going all in on a heartbroken, mouthy chūnin and a ragtag bunch of some of her finest shinobi _..._ _And she's expecting them **all**  to come home in one piece. _ 

 

 _That's more like it, Tsunade,_ she smiles tentatively,  _sounds more like the old Tsunade_. _That one you miss._ _The one who bet on **people.**_   _The one who knew how to trust._

 

Shizune coughs quietly, Tsunade looks up, she's frowning and Tsunade can guess why, "with all due respect Hokage-sama, why would you let Shikamaru, not only be a part of but, _lead_ the team tasked with retrieving Asuma's, very likely _dead_ , body?"

 

She leans back in her chair, "it looks bad, I'm aware, conflict of interest, emotionally compromised leader, uncertain conditions _etcetera…_ but, he's a _Nara_ , and an especially outstanding one at that. He knows what he's getting into and he knows what's expected of him."

 

Tsunade pulls up the files on the other five shinobi Shikamaru selected for the mission, well-chosen, well-balanced, and selected with a shrewd eye.

 

"He won't allow himself to conduct this mission in anything less than a professional manner. Even operating at half his capacity, which wouldn't surprise me all things considered, he's still sharper than half of the shinobi in the village. I… I _trust_ that he'll be able to make the tough calls."

 

Shizune still looks a little sceptical. Tsunade doesn't blame her, she's talking a good game but truth be told she's wary too, still a little gunshy about betting on other _people,_ but the prospect of having to bet big is one thing that has never terrified Tsunade. Sure it might blow up in her face and if you cut Tsunade she'll bleed just like anyone else, but the actual act of _going all in_ with a poker face and steady hand? Tsunade's got that part down pat.  

 

That's probably, at least partially, why she owes debts of around four million ryō scattered across the country.

 

But hey, c'est la vie, she's lived a very...  _full_ life and she's got a damn good reason to bet big right now.  

 

"Plus, if he doesn't go, if he doesn't get to see everything for himself, be in a position where he can say he's _done everything he can_ to bring Asuma back. Can you honestly say he could find closure otherwise? That he could let this lie and start mourning the man? Because I for one find that hard to believe."

 

Shizune nods slowly, "so you figure either way, Shikamaru will get a definitive answer?"

 

"Yes," Tsunade smiles and it’s a sad thing completely devoid of any cheer, "I don't know if the village has lost Asuma, but I sure as hell won't let us lose Shikamaru as well," she says simply. 


	4. my beating heart belongs to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title from Green Day's 'end of the world'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% satisfied with this and I may come back to edit it but gosh I wanted to just post it and move on! 
> 
> I want to dedicate this one to melleursx over on tumblr who has been such an amazing and supportive sounding-board, cheerleader, fellow shipper, and everything in between.
> 
> This one is for you and I hope you (along with anyone else reading this) enjoy it!!

**1.**

"Nara Shikamaru, will you continue to serve and pledge your loyalty to Konoha and its peoples?"

 

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

 

"Then without further ado, on this day and with these witnesses, I hereby promote you from chūnin to jōnin, Nara Shikamaru." 

 

Asuma watches as Tsunade nods and signs off on the form. It's a low-key affair, a formality really. Everyone knows that becoming a jōnin has very little with the title in actuality, and Shikamaru of all people knows that. However, watching Shikamaru with his straight back and lazily proud smile, it feels like as momentous an occasion as it ought to be. It feels like a culmination, an _affirmation_ , that Asuma knows it is for Shikamaru, though the newly-minted jōnin would vehemently deny it if questioned. Of that Asuma is certain.  

 

Shikamaru might be good at keeping his smile at bay but Asuma is openly beaming. Shikaku and Yoshino aren’t that much better to be perfectly frank, the latter radiating pride and the former on the verge of tears.

 

Shikamaru inclines his head respectfully and Tsunade smiles. She's also so very _proud_. Though Asuma has never ventured to ask, he's certain that Tsunade has always seen in Shikamaru what Asuma had, what many in the village didn't.

 

The potential.

 

The Will of Fire. 

 

This is the dawn of a new day, a new guard, the Konoha of tomorrow. Judging by the atmosphere in the room, a strange balance between solemn and optimistic, in spite of the low key affair, the gravity of this occasion isn't lost on anyone.

 

Asuma watches the proceedings, watches Shikamaru, and feels a warmth spreading all over his body.

 

This is the man he wants to spend the rest of his life with, this _brilliant_ , _intelligent_ man with a heart as big as the sun, and a tongue sharper than any weapon, this is the man he wants to spend the rest of his life with this man, he wants so much, wants-

 

 **Wait**.

 

_The rest of his life?_

 

Where the fuck did that come from?

 

No. What the hell. No of course not. No

 

Except _yes._

 

Yes _._

 

 _Yes,_ Asuma thinks to himself _, yes, the rest of his life._ The more he thinks about it, the more he realises, _yes._ His gaze wanders unconsciously to Shikamaru's right hand, fingers clasped around the pen to sign the form to make his promotion official.

 

He looks at the hand and thinks _, that hand would look better with a glinting ring on it,_ and he's joking he really is.

 

 _Except he really isn't_.  

 

Tsunade shakes Shikamaru's hand and the small roomful of shinobi erupt into thunderous applause.

 

Shikamaru looks first to his parents, grinning openly and looking far younger than he actually is.

 

His gaze then lands on Asuma and softens incrementally, until his bright eyes are twinkling with a warm, content, joy.

 

_Yes._

 

_Just… yes._

 

 

**2.**

"I'm going to ask Shikamaru to marry me," Asuma says over tea with Yoshino.

 

He realises belatedly that he probably should have built up to it a bit more. There's no going back, he can't pretend he didn't say it and she didn't hear it, so he just trudges on, "I thought I should tell you first."

 

Yoshino doesn't falter or look particularly shocked. "You've been properly together for what? Five, six years?" She asks casually. _You've been in love for so long,_ hangs comfortably in the room.

 

"Yes," he says warily. "Do you… are you okay with this?"

 

She smiles wryly and Asuma is glad he now understands this impressive woman better. "Does it matter if I approve or not?" she asks dryly. She takes a sip of her steaming tea and smiles, "ultimately, it'll be up to Shikamaru after all."

 

"Yes," Asuma says simply, "it is."

 

Her smile takes on a cheeky edge, "but seeing as you asked, _yes,_ Asuma I wholeheartedly approve and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together. "  

 

-

 

"I'm going to ask him to marry me," he says quietly.

 

Shikaku chuckles softly and nods slowly, "I figured this was coming."

 

"I wouldn't disrespect your son by asking for your permission, but out of respect for you and your family I felt I should at least tell you first."

 

Shikaku considers this, his dark eyes are unreadable. Asuma is reminded that this man could kill him at any moment and before he took even a step out of the room. "Would you have asked him even if I told you not to?" Shikaku asks blithely.

 

Asuma squares his shoulders, he doesn't even need to think before he answers, "yes."

 

There's a prolonged silence and Asuma refuses to stand down.

 

"Good," Shikaku eventually nods approvingly. Asuma breathes a sigh of relief, though they are considerably closer now, Asuma still finds Shikaku inherently intimidating.

 

Asuma extends a hand, it feels like the right thing to do, "I really hope he says yes, Nara-sama."

 

Shikaku arches an amused brow and grips the proffered hand, "I don't see any reason for him not to." He smirks, "and I think you may as well start calling me Shikaku." 

 

Asuma is aware this is as close to approval as he'll probably get. It's not much but it still _matters to him._

 

 

**3.**

He tucks the little box inside his vest and promises, _after_. After Shikamaru comes back from this mission.

 

_After._

 

 

**4.**

When the call comes that Shikamaru is in the hospital in a stable condition, he's out the door before the messenger finishes his sentence.

 

He bursts through the doors of the hospital lobby and demands to see him. The desk clerk doesn't look particularly startled, she was probably warned that Asuma would be by shortly and what that would entail.

 

She calmly directs him towards room 207 and Asuma has a split second to realise that he's _back_ …

 

… Back to where he was so many years ago, back to the uncertainty of a hurt Shikamaru behind a door with the numbers 207 etched on it, and back to a major decision to make.

 

He pushes his way into the room and his knees almost give out when he sees Shikamaru sitting up stiffly, expression of exhausted annoyance painted across his stunning features, left leg and arm bandaged up, and Shizune fussing over him.

 

"Hey," Shikamaru's head whips around and a warm, relieved smile blooms. " _Hey_ ," he breathes, walking over to Shikamaru's bedside on autopilot and sinking to his knees, he presses his face into one of Shikamaru's hands and feels all the stress that had built up, leave his body _._ " _You're okay."_

 

Shikamaru buries his other hand in Asuma's hair and rubs his scalp comfortingly. When he looks up again Asuma realises it's just them in the room. Shizune must have left silently at some point.

 

 _Ask him_.

 

_"After the mission," what kind of cowardly fool are you._

 

_What kind of lives did you think you two live, did you really think that either of you had the luxury of time, of second-guessing? Of waiting for "after"?_

 

_Ask him._

 

He reaches into his vest pocket with shaking fingers and pulls the little box out, Shikamaru's eyes widen then narrow when he sees the box.

 

"Shikamaru, I- I was waiting for you to come back from your mission to ask-"

 

" **Nope** ," Shikamaru flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling, " _nope_." He declares loudly, seemingly to the universe at large.

 

"What? I'm asking you to ma-"

 

" ** _Nope_** ," Shikamaru looks angry now, angry and vulnerable and _scared_ , he places a warning hand on the side of Asuma's face, " _I love you_ Asuma and I refuse to allow you to propose because I'm wounded and in a hospital bed after a bad mission, that is just _,_ ** _no_** _-_ ** _nope,_** this is just too much of a _terrible idea_."

 

"I was going to ask anyway," Asuma crosses his arms a little peeved. Shikamaru bites his lip, Asuma's embarrassed and disappointed and in-love and he's _beautiful._

 

Shikamaru _loves him_ , but **this** is not what he wants.

 

Shikamaru rolls over, winces, and readjusts his position, he looks thoughtful, "ask me again when I'm not in a hospital bed, unable to dress myself, and struggling to keep down solid foods," he suggests softly. "Ask me again when I don't remind you of the half-dozen times we've come dangerously close to losing each other."

 

Asuma sighs but the part of him buried under all the hurt and panicked fear understands where Shikamaru is coming from, " _fine_ , be difficult then, I still love you somehow," he tucks the box back into his vest pocket. He smiles resignedly and presses a tender kiss to Shikamaru's forehead, "I'm going to go check in with Shizune and see if she can take you off the good drugs," he says cheekily.

 

"Rude," Shikamaru calls out after his retreating figure, he can hear Asuma's chuckle and feels himself begin to smile as well.

 

He startles when his father sweeps into his room and settles down in the chair next to his bed.

 

He briefly wonders how much of that he heard but considering the rather uncanny timing, he would hazard that he heard enough. 

 

"Have you come to wish me well?"

 

"It's not like you said _yes_ ," his father shrugs. Even after all these years, his father is still one of the only people who can truly fake that nonchalance that Shikamaru can't see right through. It's both infuriating and comforting to know that he's still very much at the top of his game.

 

Shikamaru huffs, "you don't seem at all surprised about this," he deflects uneasily.

 

Shikaku raises a brow to let his son know that he caught that unsubtle subject change, he rolls his eyes and humours Shikamaru though, "he spoke to your mother and then spoke to me, and even if he hadn't, quite frankly, it was really extremely obvious that this was a long time coming."

 

Shikamaru's tone turns icy, "did he ask for your _permission_ to marry me _,_ father _?"_

 

His father actually laughs, "no, he was very much aware that it was ultimately your choice," he leans back and folds his arm. behind his head, "it was just a courteous gesture and I have to say I respect him for speaking to me face to face even though I know for a fact that I still scare him shitless."

 

Shikamaru nods, calmer, faint smile gracing his lips. He realises belatedly that there has been a steady trickle of tears trailing down his face. He attributes it to some delayed shock, surprise, exhaustion, confusion, and being  _in love_ with a truly insufferably perfect man _._  

 

" _I_ think you should have said yes," Shikaku says after a while before Shikamaru can respond, he adds, "but I can respect _why_ you didn't."

 

Shikamaru stares up at the ceiling, it's a plain inoffensive beige, peeling slightly near the corners of the room. He thinks about all those times in the course of his life he's stared at beige walls and ceilings in anger, in heartbreak, in confusion, in frustration, in resolve.

 

After all, for all his intelligence, maturity, shrewdness, that _great mind,_ and all the other words of praise bandied about regarding him, Shikamaru often feels out of his element when it comes to Asuma. Can't quite anticipate his next moves as he would with anyone else.

 

 _Love always throws such a wrench in the works_ , he thinks to himself, not even bothering to try and disguise his fondness with feigned annoyance _, and that's the fatal flaw of humanity, we all willingly play the fool for love._

 

Asuma always manages to keep him guessing, his love _, kami that man's_ ** _heart,_** is so steady and sure. As vast as an ocean and as certain as the ground beneath his feet. Asuma's love scares Shikamaru so much because somehow Shikamaru hasn't lost it yet, and yet the prospect of not having it one day frightens him to his very core.

 

Shikamaru stares at the plain beige ceiling and says, "thank you, father."

 

There's not much to say after that. Not much left to say.

 

_Plenty to think about though._

 

 

**5.**

It's two weeks later and Shikamaru wishes he could say he's completely forgotten about it but he hasn't.

 

He's spent the first few days out of the hospital in a perpetual state of paranoia that Asuma was going to propose again and in a hideously public way. It's only on his third day back from the hospital that he realised that Asuma wouldn't do that.

 

 _Of course, he fucking wouldn't._ Asuma isn't an idiot, Asuma knows Shikamaru.

 

Knows that Shikamaru finds those types of public displays unnecessary. Unnecessary and over-compensating.

 

Shikamaru thinks about loving the same man for almost ten years. Thinks about loving the same man for all the years he has left.

 

(It frightens him how much that thought _doesn't frighten him._ )

 

Shikamaru thinks about the journey to where they are now. Thinks about where they're headed. Where he wants them to end up.

 

He doesn't think about what his answer to the question would be though.

 

The thought occurs to him one morning as he watches Asuma make coffee. He hasn't thought once about his answer _, probably,_ he realises _, because he knows he'd say yes._

 

He knows he'd say 'yes' just like he knows how strong Asuma likes his coffee, what temperature he prefers his tea, how long Asuma needs to unwind by himself after a mission, how charmingly rumpled Asuma looks just before he properly wakes up, and what it means when he presses his nose into Shikamaru's neck for a little longer than usual.

 

Shikamaru knows his answer is 'yes' just like how he knows that Asuma knows which flavour of dango Shikamaru eats when he's frustrated, knows exactly what time of day Shikamaru prefers for cloud watching, knows which tone Shikamaru employs when he's teasing and when he aims to _hurt_.   

 

In fact, he's been thinking about that _ring_ and that _question_ almost every day. He thinks about how delightfully and complicatedly entwined their lives have become. How Tsunade often bypasses sending messengers if she has some errand or errant message she needs to tell Asuma, if Shikamaru is nearby she'll often just beckon him over and have him deliver it.

 

He knows his mother and Asuma have a standing date down at the market, he carries her bags and she scolds him for having the diet of an Academy graduate. He knows they talk about things, things he may never know about and understand, but he's comforted by the existence of these conversations regardless.

 

He knows that he's being put forward more missions with the shinobi Asuma is friends with. The same ragtag brood that has brought him into their little circle of messed up but frighteningly skilled ninja. He's had two missions with Kakashi, one with Hayate, and three with Genma, all within the same two months. He's got one in two weeks with Anko which he's equal parts intrigued by and a little wary of. 

 

He knows there's an old restaurant owner with a limp and a uniquely grouchy approach to customer service, who seems to know Asuma very well. He used to glare at Shikamaru when he first started coming with Asuma and has only now started warming up to him. He doesn’t know why but this stranger's implied, and reluctant, approval matters so much to him, but Asuma seems quietly thrilled by it, and perhaps that's the most telling thing.

 

… So delightfully and fascinatingly entwined their lives have become. He thinks about this, he thinks about their little home, he thinks about piles of laundry and shared cups of coffee.

 

He thinks about a ring on his finger and he thinks about _forever._

 

He thinks about what _forever_ means to shinobi.

 

He thinks about what kind of _forever_ he can promise, he's willing to offer, to Asuma.

 

He thinks about how his first promise of _forever_ blew up in their faces.

 

He thinks so much about it that it's really just his luck that Asuma manages to pick the moment when Shikamaru _isn't_ thinking about the question.

 

Namely, the exact moment when Shikamaru is chuckling as he inspects Asuma's ruined top, singed from an ill-advised sparring session, testing out some new weapons, with Kakashi.

 

"Next time you really should dodge faster, old man, we can work on that tomorrow afternoon after my meeting with the Hokage," he suggests wryly as he pokes at a blackened and charred sleeve.

 

When Asuma doesn't immediately respond Shikamaru turns to him, brow furrowed, _is he_ ** _offended_** _? Shikamaru was only jok-_

 

He's met with the sight of Asuma leant against the wall, thoughtful gaze on that little box clutched in his hands.

 

Shikamaru freezes.

 

Asuma looks up and offers Shikamaru a small smile, "what do you say Shikamaru? Do you want to make me the happiest man in this country… and let me try to make you twice as happy as you make me?"

 

Shikamaru observes the self-deprecating tilt to Asuma's smile and realises for all he feels for the man, for all the tears he's shed over even just the possibility of losing him, for all his wry jokes, and feigned nonchalance… sometimes he forgets to tell Asuma just how much he loves him.

 

How much it _scares_ him.

 

How scary it is, loving him, so much and so _completely_.

 

How scary it is, loving him so much that he can wake every morning to the certainty of his love, as certain as that same rising sun.

 

How scary it is, Asuma not knowing how magnificent and frightening the creature that is Shikamaru's love for him is.

 

He vows to remedy this.

 

Immediately.

 

_Forever._

 

"Yes," he says simply and it's the easiest thing in the world to say.

 

 _Yes_.

 

As vast as the sea and as certain as the ground beneath his feet.

 

 _Yes_.

 

 

**6.**

"Okay you two, I'm taking matters into my own hands, you've been engaged for almost two years and so far _nothing has happened_ , are you guys going to get married already or was this all an elaborate plan to break my heart and test my patience?"

 

"… We'll do it in our own time Ino-" Asuma begins.

 

"YOU'RE BASICALLY MARRIED ALREADY SERIOUSLY WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? _Nope I refuse to allow you to drag it out any longer_ , you're almost 43 now Asuma _and it shows_ , so you better get it done before Shikamaru realises!" 

 

"Well, now I'm a little offended."

 

" _Honey_ , I still think you're _gorgeo_ -"

 

"SHUT UP SHIKAMARU, THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU GUYS," Ino shrieks, "CHOJI BACK ME UP!"

 

Choji looks up from his lunch, "they'll get married when they're ready."

 

" _Thank you_ Choji-" Shikamaru says pointedly. Or begins to say before Choji interrupts him. 

 

"-But if you wait any longer people are going to start thinking you have cold feet," he adds.

 

"Less thank you," Shikamaru replies darkly.

 

Ino nods her agreement to Choji's sentiment, "exactly, exactly," she says ignoring Shikamaru, she turns to Asuma eye's gleaming, "just say the word sensei, and I'll plan the entire wedding."

 

Asuma leans back, a little overwhelmed by the manic glint to her eyes, "I see a wall- no a sea of gardenias and peonies in shades of white, along with fresh orchids as far as the eye can see, elegant and luxurious but _dignified_ as well. Say the word Asuma-sensei, say the words, and I can make it happen."

 

Shikamaru delicately pushes Ino out of the way, "thanks for your offer but we can handle things." She storms off in a huff.

 

Across the room Hayate is enquiring about Ino's plan, "aren't orchids out of season right now?" he asks sceptically.

 

"Oh I can get my hands on them year round," she whispers conspiratorially, ruined slightly by the smugness of her smile.

 

" _Damn_ ," Hayate is unarmed and could probably still take down an army with nothing but the belt holding up his regulation uniform pants, but somehow it's Ino's, seeming, underground botanical connections that are impressive.

 

_Fucking shinobi of Konoha._

 

"You guys _have_ been engaged for a while though," Kakashi says mildly. He's hiding behind a dog-eared copy of Icha Icha, _the coward._

 

"Why are you so concerned about us getting married?" Asuma smirks. "Did you want to make a speech or something, Hatake?"

 

"Please, we all know Konohamaru has been waiting all his life to make his speech," Kakashi dismisses. "He's been wheedling embarrassing stories about you from everyone, even I was able to contribute a tale or two." 

 

"Kami, Shikamaru that's it, we're not getting married, the wedding's cancelled," Asuma deadpans.

 

"Fine by me, I was only in it for the money," Shikamaru agrees, playing along.

 

Ino's shrill yell projects across the room, "DON'T YOU DARE JOKE ABOUT THIS YOU DIPSHITS."

 

They shrink a little bit.

 

 

**7.**

"I swear Konohamaru, I told you I really, _really_ don't want a bachelor party."

 

"Shut up Asuma, just focus on not tripping over your giant stupid feet."

 

"I hate that you made me wear a blindfold, shinobi should never-"

 

"-never voluntarily place themselves in a position where they cannot use all of their available senses," Konohamaru parrots. "Yeah I know, now focus those stupid feet."

 

"I really wish you hadn't changed your route halfway through, I was following along from memory really well," Asuma admits.

 

"Yeah, I cottoned on to that," Asuma may be blindfolded but he's fairly certain Konohamaru is rolling his eyes.

 

He'd be a little more concerned that no one thus far has seemed to take any umbrage with Konohamaru leading a blindfolded Asuma around the village mere days before his wedding but hey, Konoha has seen much _much_ stranger he supposes. 

 

They come to a stop and Asuma feels hands untying the knot on the blindfold. "Okay now open your eyes," Konohamaru orders cheerfully.

 

Asuma is bombarded with the brightness and he's about to throw a quip about finally seeing the outside world again but the words get caught in his throat.

 

Konohamaru nudges his shoulder encouragingly.

 

Asuma just stares.

 

Stares at a grave he hasn't visited nearly enough.

 

_Sarutobi Hiruzen._

 

_Hokage, Father, husband, brother, teacher._

 

_A soul too full and too rich for this world._

 

Konohamaru wordlessly produces two bunches of creamy lilies. He shoves one into Asuma's slack hands and moves to arrange his bunch next to the headstone.

 

After a moment Asuma moves to do the same. They take a step back. Asuma doesn't mention the wetness in Konohamaru's eyes and Konohamaru extends the same courtesy to Asuma.

 

Konohamaru shifts, "he'd be proud," he blurts out, matter-of-fact.

 

"He'd disapprove," Asuma smiles.

 

"At first maybe, _probably,_ yeah. But he _loved_ us, loved _you_ , he'd want you to be happy and he'd be glad you make someone this happy too."

 

As always Konohamaru's wisdom and economical command of language shock Asuma into momentary speechlessness.

 

Konohamaru rubs the back of his neck, "I'm just going to go visit dad, you can come join me afterwards," he says flippantly but Asuma can read between the lines. Konohamaru is giving him a moment alone with his father.

 

"Okay," Asuma murmurs soft enough for it to be lost in a gentle whisper of a breeze.

 

Konohamaru nods and waves with another bunch of flowers, hydrangeas, and sets off at a leisurely pace.

 

Asuma watches him leave and turns to crouch in front of the grave. "I don't know where to start dad," he shrugs, "I'm sorry I haven't been by in a while," he apologises out of habit.

 

"I've been busy." He frowns, "no, that isn't even an excuse, there's no point in lying to the dead, you told me that didn't you?" He bows his head, "truth is I didn't want to come visit."

 

Asuma takes a shuddering breath and a moment to organise his thoughts, "I didn't want to come and just talk about the sad, disappointing things that went wrong, things we both regret and did wrong."

 

"The village is better now," he smiles, "Tsunade is the Godaime, you'd be proud, dad, she's doing a great job and I wish you could have lived to see it. She's a credit to you and your teachings. _Kami_ , dad, I wish you could see it."

 

There's a breeze and Asuma listens to the rustling of the leaves and the silent language of the trees, closes his eyes, and bites the bullet. "I'm getting married, dad, didn't think that was ever going to happen did you?"

 

Asuma rearranges the two bunches of lilies. A charming flower. Noble, exquisite, regal, elegant, and other-worldly. The flowers of virtue and devotion. Fitting.

 

"Nara Shikamaru," Asuma informs the headstone, "he's a _brat_ and I love him, you wouldn’t approve, but Konohamaru thinks you'd come around eventually and _kami_ I hope you would have approved."

 

"I hope you would have come around, I hope you may come around _still_ because he's… dad, he's amazing, he's _amazing_. Being with him, _loving him_ , makes me feel like my heart has grown and expanded and is splitting my chest wide open. Loving him has made me a better, stronger man, the type of man you would be proud to call your son."

 

A lone leaf is blown off a low-hanging branch and Asuma thrusts out a hand to instinctively catch it before it's flung into the headstone, he looks at it, and after some thought he places it carefully between the two bunches of flowers. "Forever sounds so much better knowing he'll be there next to me, dad, and I think that's what you tried to teach me about love but I never listened, I didn't understand, but I do now."

 

Asuma stands, pulls a cigarette out of his vest and lights it, mostly for something to do with his hands, "I know you'll be watching," he stares at the picture on the headstone, it doesn't do justice to the strength, the presence, and the sheer _heart_ of the man depicted. It makes him seem too _human,_ though in the end he probably was _, too human._ In the end he died because he was _human_ and he loved like one, in the end he died because he was _human_ but in doing so he died a _hero_ and fuck if that isn't poetic irony.

 

He doesn’t know how to end this, he's talking to a slab of stone and two sprigs of flowers on a sunny Thursday morning, after all.

 

He settles on the truth, "our family is slowly getting bigger again and I just wish you were here to see it in person. There's just _so much_ I wish you could see in person."

 

He blows out a puff of smoke and watches it waft up and disappear into the sky. _Please keep watching over me, please keep trying to steer me in the right direction, please keep believing even when I don't._ He doesn't have the guts to say any of that out loud but his mind yells it into the cloudless blue sky as tears stream down his face.

 

 

**8.**

"Am I making a huge mistake?" Shikamaru asks honestly. "You both would tell me right?" he's vaguely aware that he's at that stage that's uncomfortably past _tipsy_ and he is definitely _not drunk_ but he would like to go back to _tipsy_ nonetheless.

 

Choji and Ino exchange a look, Shikamaru doesn’t know what that look means, their matching sympathetic looks inform Shikamaru that he must have said that out loud.

 

Ino whispers something to Choji and presses a kiss to his cheek and then one to Shikamaru's, "I'll leave this one to you Choji," she says as she slides out of their booth.

 

Shikamaru watches her leave and considers talking to Saiko about how his fine establishment seems to be structurally unsound because right now everything seems to be _spinning._

 

"You're not having doubts, you just think you _should_ be having doubts and the fact that you've never been more sure about anything in your life terrifies you," Choji says without any preamble.

 

"I-I have doubts, valid doubts," Shikamaru protests.

 

"Okay, what are they," Choji looks ready to play ball.

 

"W-what if we end up hating each other, huh? What then?"

 

"You've practically been married for years now and you've known each other for far longer, if there were some fatal flaws in either of your personalities and compatibilities surely it would have surfaced by now, _next?"_ Choji waves a hand to a waitress for another round of drinks.

 

Shikamaru narrows his eyes, "what if we want different things from this marriage?"

 

"Do you want fundamentally different things from this marriage?"

 

"Well… no," Shikamaru concedes.

 

"Next," Choji asks blithely.

 

"What if we fight all the time."

 

"Do you fight all the time?"

 

"Okay, fine we don't-"  
 

"-Next."

 

"What if the sex turns bad?" _Check and mate_ , Shikamaru thinks smugly as Choji scrunches his face in distaste.

 

"Low blow. You know I hate when you talk about that, but seriously, I have heard you complain about many things, the sex being bad has never once turned up so I find it hard to believe it would become a problem just because you have a ring on your fingers proclaiming that you want to monogamously sleep with each other to the exclusion of all others so Shikamaru, _what are you afraid of_?"

 

Shikamaru slumps over the table, face pressed to the cool tabletop, "I'm… I'm scared he'll regret this," he mutters into the table. "What if this is a huge mistake and ends in him not loving me anymore."

 

Choji sighs, "I'm fairly certain this is ninety-percent the alcohol talking but Shikamaru, try and call upon that great mind of yours," a warm hand is rubbing Shikamaru's back and it's _nice,_ "do you think _Asuma_ would marry someone he doesn’t love? Do you think he would lie to you about that? Do you think that his heart is so fickle that once the rings are on and the papers signed he'll suddenly fall out of love with you?"

 

"… No?"

 

Choji's gaze is intense, "do you _love_ him more than you're _scared_ of things going wrong?"

 

Ino reappears and plops herself down unceremoniously next to Shikamaru before he can try to respond, "if you're really so scared, walk away then Shikamaru, don't marry him, but look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't regret it for every second of every day of the rest of your life," she asks seriously.

 

"Do you remember, what I said ages ago?" She smiles, "it was ages ago, when you got together the first disastrous time," she tucks her head into Shikamaru's neck, "I told you that if it matters to you then you'd have to _fight_ for it, _for_ it, to _protect_ it, and to _keep_ it."

 

Shikamaru nods, transported back to a cloudy sky and soft grass at his back, Ino's silky hair and teasing words hiding infinite wisdom.

 

"If you really do love him, you have to work to make it _work_ ," she says carefully, "so the real question is, Nara Shikamaru, do you love Sarutobi Asuma enough to fight for a marriage to work? As Choji said, do you _love him_ more than the _fear_?"

 

The room is still spinning, and Choji's gaze is still hard but Shikamaru can smell Ino's expensive floral shampoo and he's drowning but he's never been more sure in his life.

 

"Yes, I do."

 

"Good, now say those exact words next week and you're golden," Choji smirks.

 

Ino erupts into tired giggles and Shikamaru laughs as well.

 

 

**9.**

Ino doesn't quite get her sea of white peonies and gardenias and orchids. She doesn't get her sea of flowers as far as the eye can see, like some romantic botanist's fever dream. However, deep within the Nara Clan Forest the exquisite, and out of season, white blooms are scattered all around, like the most poetic snowfall ever seen.

 

Chains of the delicate flowers are looped between branches and while the forest has always held a sort of magic to Shikamaru, right now… right now the magic seems so much more tangible.

 

He reaches out to stroke the velvety soft centre of a peony perched on a nearby branch, he'll never admit it to Ino but it's all so beautiful and he's so grateful because it's everything he didn't know he wanted. But _Ino_ , Ino who has known and teased and humoured and supported him for years. She knew. She knew all along.  

 

He may never be able to properly articulate his thanks but Ino's soft smile at his breathless, wide-eyed awe upon seeing the fruits of her efforts.

 

… Her teary grin at his choked off "thanks, Ino… just- just _thanks_ ,"… Shikamaru is fairly certain she knows.

 

In many ways, she's always known.   

 

Every guest has a snowy peony or gardenia either pinned to a lapel, tucked behind an ear, or tied to a wrist. The wedding party and family of the grooms are adorned with a single orchid.

 

His gaze sweeps over the forest clearing, drawn to the man stood on the other side. The tall, broad-shouldered man with the dark eyes and bright smile. He's surrounded by some of Konoha's shinobi-elite and there's a white rose in his buttonhole matching the one in Shikamaru's. 

 

His mother is already weeping and he allows her to tug him to her chest with trembling fingers, he feels like he's on autopilot, none of this quite feels real, "oh I love you and I'm so proud of you," she's crying and she's never looked more beautiful or happier to him.

 

"I don't think you cried as much when I was promoted, mother," Shikamaru teases, face smushed into her shoulder.

 

"Of course I'm crying more _now_ , you've found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with," she laughs. "You Shikamaru, my child, my heart, I can't describe my joy right now, I love you my child, _I love you_."

 

"It's okay, I understand and I love you too," he smiles, "you troublesome woman," he throws in for old time's sake, she laughs. He looks over his mother's shoulder and catches his father's proud smile.

 

"I love you, I haven't said it nearly enough, but I love you and I'm proud of you," he says gruffly. 

 

"You don't think I'm making a huge mistake?" he teases but there's a slight tremor in his voice.

 

Shikaku claps a hand on Shikamaru's shoulder, "marriage doesn't work like that Shikamaru," he glances over at Asuma and then draws his gaze back to Shikamaru, "it's not a true or false, a mathematical equation, it's a promise, that you'll still be there even when it's bad and you'll still try even when it's hard." He raises a brow, "also that you love each other, _obviously_."

 

"...Yeah, I think we can handle that," Shikamaru says confidently.

 

He watches as his mother steps aside and his father strikes up a conversation with Choji, both of them with their chests puffed out in pride. He looks across the clearing to find Ino swatting his soon-to-be husband's hands away as she brushes some invisible lint off his shoulders and straightens his boutonniere.

 

He looks across the clearing and finds Asuma staring back at him. He cocks his head to the side and twists around so Asuma can see his hands sign, _status report?_ Asuma's answering grin is blinding, he nods over at the altar and signs _, I'll meet you there,_ next to his hip.

 

It brings a smile to Shikamaru's face. _Bring backup,_ Shikamaru signs back.

 

Asuma laughs and winks.

 

_Yeah. They can do this._

 

(He doesn't just mean today.)

 

-

 

A hush falls over the gathered crowd as Asuma clears his throat.

 

"Love was always such an eternal mystery to me, but what I know of it know I am 100% certain of, love is a gale force wind, a whispering breeze, it's quiet and loud, simple and complicated, it is enduring and it is altogether _astounding."_

 

"Nara Shikamaru _you_ astound me. Plain and simple. Every single day, you _astound me_. Nara Shikamaru, every single day you have challenged me, surprised me, protected me, accepted me, and through it all, for some _confounding_ reason, you have loved me." Tears are rolling down Asuma's cheeks and Shikamaru is in no position to judge because his eyes started stinging the moment Tsunade instructed them to join hands.

 

"Everything has always been black or white to me, right or wrong, easy or hard, good or bad. But _you_ , astounding wonder of all wonders, _you changed everything_ , you looked at the lines I drew and scoffed, you laughed, and you proceeded to change my life. I don't know what I've done in a past life to deserve you, but it must have been _really_ ** _, really  inconceivably_** good." Shikamaru laughs with the crowd, his laughter composed of equal parts embarrassment and disbelief.

 

There's a mischievous glint in Asuma's eyes like a whispered secret and Shikamaru wants to be in on the secret, wants to spend the rest of his life being a sharing their own two-person secret. "I'm ready to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, to pull you along when you drag your feet, be pulled along by you when I'm getting too slow, and to lean on each other when the going gets tough."

 

Shikamaru's gaze sweeps lovingly across Asuma's face, across the features he is so intimately familiar with. There are more lines next to Asuma's eyes than there used to be but Shikamaru is comforted by the fact that most of them are from smiling and that he loves the man no less than when his face boasted fewer lines.

 

Shikamaru is humbled by the fact that the man still loved him when he was louder and brattier, and that he loves him still, now that he's learned to bite his tongue more.

 

He takes a deep breath.

 

"Sarutobi Asuma, I love you, _I love you_ and all I could think about every time I sat down to write these vows was just… _I love you,"_ he breathes incredulously.

 

There's already a steady trickle of tears tracking down his cheeks and Shikamaru couldn't tear his eyes away from Asuma's right now even if his life depended on it, "I love you like waking up rumpled and warm on the weekends. I love you like a perfect winning strategy in shogi game. I love you like the moment we see each other after a long mission. I love you like that second before I can feel my shadow jutsu connect. I love you like standing in the sunny corner of our kitchen to warm our backs. I love you like the moment you grab my hand just as I begin to wish you would. I love you like wild nights out that never seem to end and the mornings that seem to come too soon. I love you like the certainty of rain falling from the sky and hitting the ground. I love you like I have for over ten years."

 

Shikamaru is forced to take another breath, he can hear the sniffles of the guests, he can smell the delicate scent of gardenias, he can feel the heavy silence, but all he can _see_ is Asuma.

 

"Quite simply, Sarutobi Asuma, I love you like _breathing_."

 

He attributes the loud sob to his mother and the gasp to Ino but he can't stop now. 

 

"Asuma, seeing as I love you like _breathing_ , like it's the only thing I know I'll do for the rest of my life, I promise you all of me. _All of it._ ** _It's yours_** **.** " Shikamaru grins through the shimmering veil of tears.

 

There's no one else there to Shikamaru. Just the two of them and their _forever._

 

The rings are produced and Tsunade duly proclaims them husbands to the thunderous applause and cheers of their loved-ones.

 

A hand snakes around Shikamaru's waist, he's tugged forward and he goes willingly. He goes willingly towards his future. "Better make it a good one," he breathes.

 

Asuma's eyes crinkle and everyone else is just white noise, this moment right here is _theirs,_ "of course," and he presses his smiling lips against Shikamaru's.

 

Shikamaru tastes the sweet mingling of their salty tears. He smells the intoxicating scent of the flowers surrounding them. He hears the whoops of their gathered friends and family and the loud thumping of his heart.

 

Shikamaru kisses Asuma and it's like every _welcome home_ kiss, every _kami you're_ ** _alive_** kiss, every _good morning_ kiss, every **_now_** _,_ ** _now_** _, I need you_ ** _now_** kiss, every _I'm falling apart but somehow I still have you_ kiss, every _come home to me_ kiss, every _I love you, idiot_ kiss, … every single one of those kisses and all the ones scattered in between.

 

It all of those and none of them.

 

Shikamaru kisses Asuma and it's every kiss they've shared in the past and it's a promise of every kiss they'll share from this day forward.

 

It's love and warmth and them and it's _forever._

 

My beating heart belongs to you.


	5. so can we pretend sweetly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what this is
> 
> title from Sufjan Stevens' 'John My Beloved'

"I'm just saying… if you hadn't faked left so unconvincingly I probably wouldn't have gone for the tree behind you and then… _you know_ … slammed you into the wall," Shikamaru says mildly as he rubs ointment into Asuma's shoulder.

 

"I mean that's not the most comforting thing you could say right now," Asuma grumbles as he opens the door. "I'm in  _pain."_

 

"It's kind of a compliment if you think about it, it means you're very honest with me, _guileless_ even-"

 

Their teasing chattering comes to an abrupt stop when they see who it is at the door.

 

Konohamaru stares down at the doormat, shoulders shaking with his helpless sobs.

 

_Asuma realised at a certain point that Konohamaru had made the conscious decision to stop crying in front of Asuma, maybe around his tenth birthday._

 

The fact that he's openly weeping on Asuma's doorstep means that it's **bad**. It's **bad** and he needs Asuma more than he's, no doubt, ashamed to cry in front of him.

 

_Only six days ago Konohamaru had grinned proudly and offered a jaunty wave as he set out on his team's first B-rank mission._

 

Asuma observes his tell-tale trembling hands and stubborn unwillingness- _inability_ to meet his eyes.

 

Shikamaru nods to Asuma in understanding. In one fluid motion, he spreads the last of the ointment across Asuma's shoulder blades, presses a quick kiss to the corner of Asuma's jaw, and claps a hand on Konohamaru's arm. Subtly nudging him into the threshold whilst brushing past him.

 

Asuma gives his arm an experimental flex and beckons Konohamaru to follow him inside. He produces a tissue and leans back against the kitchen counter as Konohamaru sniffles miserably and stubbornly clutches the tissue in a clenched fist, "what happened Konohamaru," he asks softly, though it doesn't take a genius to put two and two together.

 

"We were ambushed," Konohamaru whispers, "the- everyone is fine now and we c-completed the mission b-but…" Konohamaru blinks futilely as his eyes fill with more tears.

 

Asuma nods encouragingly, "… you had your first mission kill right?"

 

Konohamaru nods. "It- I had to," his hands clutch at his head and the anguish is heartbreaking. "H-he, came out of the trees for Udon and- and he had his back to him, so I-I had to…" he sucks in a sharp breath and Asuma wants so badly to cut this short, to offer Konohamaru a way out of this conversation, but he knows the Konohamaru's needs to get this out, get this out of his system, so he can start moving on from it.

 

"I- I just," he swallows, gaze vacant and unseeing like he's _reliving_ it, "I just stabbed him in the neck with a kunai…on instinct... h-he… I _killed_ him."

 

Asuma remembers his first kill, most shinobi do, it may be the first on a lengthy list but it still _sticks_. It's the loss of that final shred of innocence, the opening of the dam walls, it's the point of no return.

 

Beneath rolling seas of blood and broken bones and psychological wounds that may have scarred over but haven't healed properly... _everyone remembers their first kill._

 

"Did you kill him in a fit of rage?" Asuma asks evenly, Konohomaru frowns, "did you kill him to settle personal a score? Did you kill him just to see if you _could_?"  

 

Konohamaru glares, "I already told you Asuma, Udon had his back turned I couldn't let him catch Udon off guard, so I _killed him_ and-"

 

"Exactly," Asuma cuts him off, he turns to fill a glass with water and thrusts it out to Konohamaru, "you took a life to protect a teammate, you took a life on a mission to protect Konoha. If you were in the same position again would you have done anything differently?"

 

Konohamaru shakes his head slowly, knuckles white around the glass.

 

"It's your first kill but it won't be your last, not by a long shot, if you really plan to pledge your loyalty to this village, can you handle that?" Asuma's words are grave but his eyes are kind. It's not something that's easy to hear. 

 

"Yes," Konohamaru's voice may not be much more than a whisper but it's certain, it's _sure,_ "yes, I can do that… I _can_ do that and I _will_."

 

Konohamaru is 16 and he may be well on his way to becoming a fine ninja one day, but at this particular moment in time, he looks _every inch_ his 16 years of relatively sheltered youth and optimistic hope.

 

Asuma wants to protect him, shield him from the cruelty and sheer _unfairness_ of reality but he knows that's not his job. He knows that in that moment Konohamaru has made the decision that his own innocence is worth sacrificing so that he may protect another child's. An entire village's. 

 

Asuma rests a hand on Konohamaru's shoulder and leans down to look him in the eye, Konohamaru instinctively looks away then drags his gaze back, eyes blazing, "it gets easier, it's still hard and it still hurts something deep and human inside of us all, and every shinobi has nights they can't sleep, even experienced shinobi like Shikamaru and I, but honestly? Take that as a comforting thought. Trust me that it's probably a good thing."

 

Konohamaru scrunches his nose in confusion.

 

Asuma smiles, "it's a good thing because… well, the moment you start getting a little too comfortable with killing? That's when you should really be worried, kid."

 

Konohamaru eventually nods, "that… makes sense."

 

Asuma smiles and ambles over to the little window and pries it open with one hand, he sticks the other in a pant pocket and pulls out a cigarette, "I threw up after my first kill and the first night back from that mission I cried myself to sleep," he says around his cigarette as he locates a lighter. "I seriously considered quitting being a ninja after that," he admits, "didn't think I was cut out for it if I couldn't even handle killing an enemy."

 

Konohamaru wanders over as well, "I cried all of last night, and when I stopped crying, I still couldn't sleep and all I could think about was _what if I hadn't gotten there in time_ , I hated myself for killing, but I also hated myself for the doubt, what if I hadn't been able to kill him and a teammate died because of it?" Konohamaru's lip twitches, "by morning I just hated myself period." 

 

Asuma chuckles tiredly, "you get used to that too."

 

"… did it really bother Shikamaru, his first… kill?" Konohamaru asks meekly. _Surely not Shikamaru, cool-as-a-cucumber, level-headed, shrewd_ ** _genius_** _Shikamaru_ hangs in the room.

 

Asuma taps his cigarette against the ashtray sitting on the windowsill, "he was okay for his first kill, he cried and it understandably changes a person, he was _affected_ but killing… it's a little different for him…" Asuma considers his next words carefully, "he's a strategist, and a _damn good_ one, and inside him, there's an innate understanding that…" Asuma sighs, "… that bodies often need to fall to get from point A to point B. He doesn't _like it_ and it upsets him but he _understands_ it."

 

Konohamaru's face falls a bit, but Asuma continues, "there are still lots of nights he can't sleep though, because of the lives we lead… because of… a bad mission, a really bad one, but you'll have to ask _him_ about that," he takes a drag from the burning cigarette, and through a puff of smoke, "make no mistake Konohamaru, the lives we choose to live are incredibly  _unusual_ and _dangerous_ and no one really comes out the other side unscathed."

 

He realises belatedly that this is probably the first time he's spoken to Konohamaru like this, like he's an adult, a _shinobi_.

 

"I understand," Konohamaru says slowly, there's a bit more colour in his cheeks, "so I take it things are going well with Shikamaru then, if you know about his sleeping habits?"

 

Asuma presumes Konohamaru has hit his limit of talking about _feelings_ and he doesn't press him on it, "yeah," he chuckles good-naturedly, "yeah, it's going well."

 

-

 

Shikamaru is expecting it honestly, he's poring over the half dozen reports spread across his desk, with another daunting stack next to his elbow, assessing the village's current military vulnerabilities. Shikamaru is expecting it, one moment he's cross-referencing some discrepancy along the border of Fire Country, and in the next moment he's looking up to find Konohamaru peering over his desk to scan Shikamaru's reports.

 

"Konohamaru, to what do I owe the pleasure," he drawls.

 

"Uh," Konohamaru has the decency to look a little embarrassed, "I was wondering if I could talk to you? Um… about something… sort of personal?"  


Shikamaru observes the dark circles under Konohamaru's eyes and the uncomfortably sunny smile that looks forcibly etched into his face. "Sure," he pushes himself out of his chair and stretches, delighting in the quiet popping of his joints, "let's go for a walk," he suggests.

 

Konohamaru raises his hands apologetically, "oh no I couldn't possibly, it looks like you have important things to attend to," he stammers, eyeing the mountain of papers stacked on Shikamaru's desk.

 

Shikamaru smiles not unkindly, "I have a feeling I know what you want to talk about and I think it's best to talk about that outside my office."

 

"Um… okay," Konohamaru lowers his eyes. He trails behind Shikamaru as he weaves his way through hallways and tosses casual greeting after casual greeting to the odd shinobi littered around the building.

 

He dutifully follows Shikamaru outside and bites his lip as Shikamaru selects a sturdy wooden bench under the shade of a large oak tree.

 

Shikamaru leans back and stares up at the green canopy of leaves. It's quiet and peaceful and familiar and all the things that should be calming Konohamaru down but the tense set of his shoulders would beg to differ, "so… I gather you got your first kill on your last mission, yeah?"

 

"Yeah," Konohamaru whispers, eyes trained on his clenched fists. He's not offended by either, Asuma telling Shikamaru, or it being so obvious that Shikamaru literally took one look at him and made the connection. To be honest, he's just so _tired,_ he's too tired to care. He's so  _tired._

 

"Did you want to ask me about how shinobi tend to deal with this or did Asuma say I had something else to offer? Because honestly? There's not much more I can say other than, it's _going to fuck you up for a little while_ that's expected- that's **_natural_** , but you'll get used to it in the messed up, and probably not entirely healthy, way ninja do."

 

"He said…" Konohamaru takes a deep breath, "every ninja has nights they can't sleep, you and Asuma included. He… says being a ninja… no one who chooses this life ends up...  _unscathed._ "

 

Shikamaru nods, expression growing serious, "he's not wrong… it's… _yeah_ , you're almost guaranteed some sort of complex or inability to function as a normal person, if you really choose to follow this path," he swallows, "and yeah… I uh… I had a bad mission a few years back that really fucked me up- is _still_ fucking me up, to be honest," he says softly.

 

"Asuma said so," Konohamaru nods, "he didn't give me any details though, he basically said it was your story to share if you wanted to."

 

Shikamaru nods, a fond smile tugging at his lips despite the furrow of his brow, "yeah… sounds like the noble bastard."

 

"Would you be willing to tell me, Shikamaru?"

 

"Sure," Shikamaru leans forward and clasps his hands together, he lowers his head, "the mission was a set-up," his smile is sharp and sad and _ugly._

 

Though Shikamaru is sitting next to him in one piece, his dark tone and the painful curve of his lips suggests this story won’t have a happy ending and Konohamaru steels himself. 

 

Shikamaru's smile is sharp and broken and heaving under the weight of that uniquely exquisite pain of trying to _heal_ while you're still hurting deeply. Like the chilling sensation of running your fingers across the sharply serrated edges of a saw. Like the sun glinting off the jagged-edged of a shattered window.

 

"My teammates and I were targeted because we were shinobi of Konoha."

 

Then a soft, mirthless chuckle that sounds _broken_ , "they tortured my teammates and made me watch, made me watch as they writhed and screamed in pain, I thought they wanted the information we had been sent to collect, so eventually I surrendered it," he shrugs but his hands are clenched into fists, "I thought I had at least saved my teammates from further pain. But _no_."

 

Konohamaru sucks in a sharp breath.

 

"They just wanted to torture them, to hurt the Leaf, and I had to watch all four hours and thirty-eight minutes of it," Konohamaru feels sick but Shikamaru keeps going, voice even and completely devoid of emotion, "they kept saying they spared me because I was _too smart_ , and that, really _, doesn't it hurt_ ** _more_** _? Just having to watch?_... They were right of course, it was so much worse."

 

 Konohamaru wants to throw up, to tell Shikamaru to stop but he needs to hear this. He makes a feeble noise of agreement. He can't imagine being put in that situation but deep down he knows that if he wants to be a ninja, to defend the Leaf, then there's a very real, non-zero, chance it could happen to him as well.

 

"It was so much _worse,_ they made sure I was pretty much untouched," Konohamaru sees tears gathering in the corners of Shikamaru's eyes and the way his arms are tensed and his jaw tight. Shikamaru's voice starts to crack, "but I had to _watch_ to be _responsible_ for their pain and then _run along and tell the harrowing tale_."

 

"… I mean, we were eventually rescued, "but…," another soft mirthless laugh, "a lot of the damage had been done." He shrugs, "I can't sleep some nights because I can remember every escalating expression of mind-numbing pain that swam across their faces… it'll be carved into my mind for the rest of my life like those heads on that mountain face," he smiles sadly,  "that being said Cho- my teammates probably have worse nightmares... they had it _worse."_

 

"I was the lucky one, they had it _worse." And it was all my fault,_ Konohamaru reads in the furrow of Shikamaru's brow. 

 

Konohamaru's voice is just barely a whisper, "how do you come back from something like that?" _How do you choose this life and not kill yourself over it when the dust settles._

 

"There's no real way to be both, I'll tell you that first, you don't get to be a shinobi and also an entirely psychologically-healthy, well-adjusted human being, that just doesn't happen."

 

Shikamaru takes a deep shuddering breath, "but you just have to deal with the reality that you're fucked up, that you do fucked up things, but that the reasons you do them _aren't_ entirely fucked up." He looks up to squint at the sun, "…that you believe in why you're doing these things… that the tomorrow we're building is worth the pain of today."

 

"I can't sleep… I can't forget _killing_ , _death_ , and I can't stop thinking _what if I didn't get there in time, what if I didn't kill him, he would have killed Udon,"_ Konohamaru blurts out, "I took a life, but if I hadn't someone else would have forfeited theirs, I feel like this is the bottle-neck and I need to get past it, that it'll get easier after that but… but I just _can't…_ " 

 

Shikamaru breathes in and out loudly, he leans back again, "death and life are such a funny balance don't you think, two sides of the same coin," he murmurs cocking his head at Konohamaru, "we _take_ a life to _save_ one, we celebrate a _birth_ and mourn a _passing_ as if they are surprising detours when they're- they're inevitabilities… when it's a _cycle_ … we send troops to fight and die to keep others safe. Life and death are such a complicated mess," he looks so utterly bone-tired. Like he had to learn all of this first-hand. 

 

"You and I, Konohamaru," Konohamaru looks up warily at the mention of his name, "we are the _living_ , and we're doing our best with what we have _, we are the living_ and it'd do us good to remember that… we can't just join the dead through our guilt alone," he smiles ruefully over at Konohamaru, "regardless of how bottomless and all-consuming said guilt may feel. _We are the living._ "

 

It feels like a splash of ice-cold water, "it's hard though," Konohamaru says eventually.

 

"Yeah, I guess it is," Shikamaru concedes. There's a pregnant pause, " _living_ is hard too though, and somehow we manage to do it every day," he adds. 

 

They sit there for a few more hours.

 

 _I am alive._   

 

_The dead are dead but I am_ **_alive._ **


	6. and it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set a few months after they fall apart the first time in 'this meandering road' 
> 
> Title from 'the boy who blocked his own shot' by Brand New (a phenomenally painful song)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knocked this one out in around an hour. Probably rough. Bit disjointed. But I wanted to see if I could write and then just post. Turns out I can. 
> 
> Shikamaru's pov
> 
> (Also this one is a bit 'ouch-y') (sorry)

Sometimes he wishes Asuma would find a scarily dangerous, whip-smart, and beautiful ninja. Or even a harmlessly lovely civilian. Sometimes he wishes there wasn't overwhelming evidence that he had selfishly fucked everything up for Asuma.

 

Sometimes he wishes that he hadn't left such a mess, that Asuma would have met someone new, found happiness, and forgotten Shikamaru. That Shikamaru was a chapter of his life, a mistake, that they could bury in the sand and leave to the punishment of the elements. 

 

He wishes he Asuma could have gotten out of all of this unscathed. 

 

He tells Ino all of this over post-mission drinks. They've just come from a mission debrief and a particularly awkward run-in with Asuma at the mission desk. He knows it was bad, Iruka-sensei's pinched expression said it all.

 

She scoffs at Shikamaru's words, swirling her drink, a storm of various sunset hues contained in a tumbler,  "you don't really mean that. You want him to be happy again, but deep down… deep down you don't want _that_."

 

Shikamaru thinks about Asuma walking hand in hand with a beautiful kunoichi with bright eyes and a dainty waist, thinks of him kissing a lean figure with sandy hair and a strong jaw, "yeah... I mean I do want that for him, but I also really _don't_."

 

Ino's expression is tired, Shikamaru spares a guilty thought that in a way, he's putting her- her and Choji, through this too. Putting them through something that they in no way signed up for. Screw marriage, friendship is the real life-sentence.

 

"I'm… I'm sorry about-" the words get caught in his throat, "I'm sorry that it turned out like this," it's not enough but Shikamaru doesn't know what else to say. It's a bit late for words and apologies, even genuinely contrite one. 

 

Ino laughs. Her icicle blue eyes are still tired, but she looks more like the girl he met when he was six and convinced there was no one in the world whose opinion mattered to him. "You fool," she sighs as she pushes her drink to the side, "that's the game, _love_ , that's how it goes, it's not worth it unless you put it all on the line." She bites her lip, " _yeah,_  I obviously wish it ended differently too, but I'm still proud of you for…" she cocks her head, "…for having the guts to listen to that thumping compass in your chest."

 

"I didn't listen to my heart Ino, I just stopped listening to my brain. It was the opposite of admirable... it was selfish."

 

Ino rolls her eyes and flicks her ponytail over her shoulder, "then I'm proud of you for having the guts to see it through and live with the consequences." She presses her lips together, "and you're not entirely to blame here either," she murmurs. Shikamaru's eyes widen, "Asuma was just as important a part of this equation as you were." She traces figure eights across the wooden tabletop, "he knew everything you did," she says softly. Her words are edged in resigned hurt and disappointment. They don't absolve blame but he feels like he's breathing easier nonetheless. 

 

Shikamaru leans back in his seat and closes his eyes. "I wish it would have worked out, after everything that happened, I still wish it would have worked out." He doesn't need to crack open an eye to know Ino's expression is likely seeped in sympathy.

 

The world spins on. Shikamaru closes his eyes. 

 

He can hear the lilting voice of the waiter taking the order of the neighbouring booth. _Asuma's wounded expression and that split second it took for it to turn into a sickeningly fake smile._ He breathes in the scent of the pine incense permeating the air, all at once comforting and grating. _The almost tangible tension in the room as they exchanged stilted niceties that they_ ** _never_** _bothered with before._ The exhaustingly familiar silence of Ino's helpless but nonetheless rock-solid support from across the table _. The overriding urge to just grab his hand and pull him out of the building, the village, to go somewhere where they could have made it work. To grab his hand and never let go again_.

 

Shikamaru opens his eyes and wonders if he'll ever get used to hole in his chest.

 

If Ino thinks a heart is a compass, Shikamaru's is skittering all over the place. A violently spinning needle that's looking for something that's not there anymore.

 

He wants to laugh. How _fitting_ , his compass is directionless. Poetic justice is what that is.

 

"It's been months," he eventually says into the silence, "why is it so hard to… to just get through this part."

 

Ino doesn't miss a beat, "because it doesn't get easier until you accept the fact that you're still in love with him," she pushes his drink towards him, "then you can start learning to cope with that immovable fact."

 

Shikamaru stares down his drink. The bloody and beating compass in his chest shows no sign of settling down anytime soon.

 

That's okay though. If Shikamaru can be forgiven for still feeling like a rug has been pulled out from under him even after all these months, then his heart can be forgiven for needing some time to adjust as well.

 

Shikamaru takes a big mouthful of his drink.

 

 _Tomorrow_ though. Tomorrow the sun will rise and Shikamaru will recalibrate the compass trapped in the hole in his chest.


	7. you are the bearer of unconditional things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuma ponders retirement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place a few years after they get married
> 
> title from one of my favourite songs, Alanis Morissette's 'Head over Feet'

It creeps up on him.

 

It creeps up on him in so much as it's always been there tucked away in a corner at the back of his mind, but before he knows it he's sitting at a table in his favourite teashop with an empty teacup and all Asuma can think is, _what's next?_ Shikamaru is talking to the woman who owns the teashop and he looks so relaxed, she gestures wildly and makes him smirk. _What's next?_ A waiter politely asks if Asuma needs anything else and he absentmindedly shakes his head _. What's next_

 

_What's next?_

 

Not **literally.** _What's next_ **literally** is Asuma and Shikamaru ambling home, picking up some groceries on the way, and then spending the evening filling out mission reports with the television on in the background.

 

What he means is _what's next_ for _him_.

 

It's a confronting thing to think about retirement from active duty, retirement from the only life he's ever really known, retirement from the job he's had for almost his entire life. He can't just open a little shop and sit behind a counter, or just settle down to a quiet life. He has no family of young children to devote his life to.

 

He could spring for some higher ranked position. Military, maybe… something with a title, something that is a worthy way to channel his leadership abilities and the respect he commands. A reputation built up over a long life of loyal service… but the rhythm of his life still feels off. He feels like he's following some music but he's half a beat behind. Not quite right.

 

_What's next?_

 

He can't just ignore that his abilities come with responsibility. The responsibility to _use them_ and to use them for the benefit of the village. He's getting tired though. It takes him a little longer to bounce back after particularly nasty missions. Not to mention there are more and more talented jōnin coming through the ranks. It's about time to start retiring the old guard. It's time to let the young ones shine and grow into themselves.  

 

_What's next?_

 

Everything feels slightly off-kilter. Not enough that it doesn't feel normal, but enough to feel _uncomfortable_.

 

_What's next?_

 

It's confronting. He can't imagine having any sort of life that doesn't revolve around devoting it to or serving a higher cause. _And he knows he's so lucky,_ he gets to consider _, flirt with the idea of_ , retiring with his body more or less functioning and in one piece, no violent emotional trauma, no horrifically failed mission ending in the brutal murder of all his loved ones, _nothing like that_.

 

He's not being _forced_ to retire… but it's still **hard**.

 

He finds himself pensively considering his purpose going forward as he watches Shikamaru. Watches as Shikamaru goes about his life, watches him move through the village confidently, watches him complete his missions and earn well-deserved respect from his peers and superiors alike.

 

Asuma watches over Shikamaru and realises he's watched over Shikamaru for so many years now, and even if he doesn't take as many missions, and one day stops altogether, he'll still watch over the younger man. 

 

He watches Shikamaru and realises there may be something else he can do _. Maybe there is another higher cause he can devote himself to_.

 

And before he knows it he has a plan… he has a _next._ He has the _next_ that was there all along.

 

He doesn't talk explicitly about easing into retirement with Shikamaru. He knows that most of this will be something he needs to work through himself and decide himself. Still, they're a unit, a _team_ , _husbands,_ so he broaches the subject up one afternoon.

 

They're both three days back from a mission and looking at two weeks off before their next assignments.

 

It's nice. It's quiet. It's just _the two of them_ and a quiet room and the quiet fact that they love each other _._

 

Sitting on the couch, Shikamaru leaning against Asuma's chest, head tucked comfortably into Asuma's neck. Shikamaru with his book on game theory and Asuma flipping through a report on agricultural yields.

 

The plain silver band on Shikamaru's finger glints in the afternoon sun, Asuma brushes his thumb across the matching one on his own finger. Asuma watches the way Shikamaru unconsciously tucks himself closer into Asuma's front. The way he presses a kiss into Asuma's shoulder when Asuma lays a possessive arm across his front.

 

Asuma watches the way they _fit_ together, in a way that has been built over the course of years and years of loving each other, and bites the bullet.

 

"I'm going to start taking a reduced mission load," he says carefully, he feels his shoulders hunch a little, he knows it's irrational but he feels his hackles rising, he's defensive, "I… I think it's probably about time for me to-".

 

"-Okay," Shikamaru says flipping the page of his book as if Asuma has just said he's going to duck out for some more milk, "does that mean you'll finally have more time to help me with my taijutsu? Neji said I was getting sloppy the other day and he's not wrong but it still _stung_ coming from him _._ "

 

Asuma feels a lump forming in his throat, "… yes, of course, you _brat,_ " he mutters hoarsely into Shikamaru's hair.

 

It still manages to take his breath away how even after all these years Shikamaru will still know what he needs even when Asuma isn't too sure himself. "I love you," he breathes.

 

"I'm your _husband_ , idiot," Shikamaru turns around to face Asuma, discarding his book as he does.

 

Asuma kisses him, this _brat_ , his _husband,_ who knows exactly how to remind Asuma of everything he's still got left in his life.

 

"I love you, husband mine." 

 

Shikamaru rolls over so they're pressed together, chest to chest. He arranges his arms across Asuma's collarbone and rests his chin on his hands. Faces pressed close, nose to nose. His eyes are blazing, "the village thanks you for your loyal service to the Leaf," he says solemnly into the quiet stillness of the room.

 

Then he presses his nose into Asuma's neck and says more softly, "and _I'm_ thanking you for coming home after every mission."

 

It's still hard in ways that Asuma can tell are going to take a while to get over… he still breathes a little easier though.


	8. 'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kurenai and refuse to leave my gal out in the cold.
> 
> Wrote this in a couple of hours and couldn't leave it alone.

Kurenai sighs to herself as she rereads the menu she's long since memorised. Asuma doesn't often treat social meetings with the precision and punctuality he treats anything mission-related but being late by almost twenty minutes is _objectively excessive_.

 

She sighs again and flags down a waiter with an apologetic smile and orders a plate of butter cookies and two cups of tea. She knows if she gets stood up it's going to look bad if she's alone at a table with _two_ cooling cups of tea, but she's hardly going to risk being a selfish hostess, her pride and reputation as an updateable, frigid bitch be damned.

 

Just as the waiter disappears behind the counter she sees Shikamaru enter the threshold of the shop, eyes scanning the room before settling on her sheepishly. He ambles over and comes to a stop next to her table, "uh Kurenai-sensei, I came to let you know Asuma is recovering from some minor injuries from his last mission," his tone is dry and speaks of multiple spats on the topic, "apparently he thought he could _sleep it off_ and only realised this morning that he couldn't actually _sleep off_ back injuries, severe muscle fatigue, and poor decision-making." He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, "I'm sorry he didn't think to let you know earlier, you've probably been waiting for him," he surmises apologetically.

 

Kurenai smiles ruefully, "that sounds an awful lot like him… and don't worry, I don't mind waiting a little," _which is_ ** _mostly_** _true,_ "it's more important that he's okay and recuperating," **_more_** _true._ She bites her lip, "thank you for coming to tell me, Shikamaru." He didn't have to, after all, he could have told someone else, could have stayed home to keep Asuma company, could have ignored her. Lord knows Shikamaru doesn't _want_ to be here. But he _is_.

 

Shikamaru looks embarrassed if the slight flush of his cheeks is anything to go by and before he can respond the waiter is back with the plate of cookies and two steaming cups of tea. He places them on the table efficiently, cheerfully bids they "enjoy the food!", and disappears before they can correct him.

 

Kurenai laughs softly, god the rumour mill is going to have a _hoot_ with this one: lonely Kurenai, stood up, drinking tea and eating cookies alone, one cup of tea for the ghost of a romantic-partner she's never going to have, consoled only by her ex's new young lover. Something deep inside her, and until now simmering only under the surfaces, snaps.

 

Screw these people who so desperately want her to be a narrow one-dimensional category, _she owes them nothing._

 

Screw these people who refuse to see her as a complex human-being capable of love, heartbreak, and a hundred other beautiful contradictions. _She owes them nothing._

 

She gestures to the two steaming cups and the plate of mouth-watering cookies, "join me?" she asks. A shrewd voice in the back of her mind reminds her that if she gets rejected by her ex's new lover, her reputation may never recover, but the other voice inside her head loudly interjects that _who the fuck cares what these people think._

 

She goes with the latter.

 

Shikamaru arches a brow and considers her offer before wordlessly sinking into the empty seat across from Kurenai. He plucks a biscuit and takes a bite, she mirrors his movements and nibbles delicately. In the ensuring uncomfortable silence, she wonders if she's made a big mistake, managed to find the one way to make things  _so much worse_.

 

Before she can even consider conjuring a genjutsu and just making a run for it Shikamaru smirks. "How long do you think it'll take before rumours start flying that I'm cheating on Asuma with you?" he enquires conspiratorially. 

 

This startles a laugh out of Kurenai, _kami, no- definitely_ ** _not_** _a mistake,_ " she pops the rest of her biscuit in her mouth, chews thoughtfully, and swallows. She grins, "I'll definitely get asked about it by tomorrow morning, especially if I go and pick up some groceries at the fruit stall." She's grateful she's with perhaps the only other person in the village who could possibly understand what she's going through.

 

Shikamaru grins then his smile dims. "I'm sorry," he wraps his hands around his cup, "it must- I'm sure it's not fun having everyone-"

 

Kurenai is well-versed in the subtle art of self-indulgent anguish, she's good friends with her demons after all, but this is unacceptable, "you have nothing to apologise for Shikamaru," she cuts him off. She blows a lock of her hair off of her forehead, "you _fell in-love_ ," she rolls her eyes good-naturedly, "and shock of all shocks, he loved you right back, _horrifying_ , I know," She presses her lips together, "you did nothing wrong," she repeats. She traces the rim of her cup, "anyone who whispers about you, anyone who tells you differently simply doesn't understand, and is too... lazy, and ready to jump to conclusions, to try and understand," she shrugs, that much is the truth.

 

"Anyone who whispers about _you_ is simply too lazy to try and understand as well," Shikamaru says. "Anyone who whispers about you isn't fit to sharpen your kunai, much less face you in battle," he shrugs as well.

 

The silence is comfortable this time.

 

"Is that why you spoke to the Hokage about Asuma and me? Because you didn't believe the rumours?" he asks out of the blue.

 

Kurenai frowns, _"y-es,_ I suppose, to an extent," she cocks her head, "honestly though? It just seemed logical that you two would handle it well, as two mature and capable shinobi who loved each other as well as the village deeply." She marvels over the delightful splotches of pink high on Shikamaru's cheeks, "I felt I was in a _unique_ position," she smirks, "to persuade the Hokage, or at least provide some insight into the fact that.. that there was no reason really to oppose your relationship," she takes a sip of her tea.

 

"I appreciated it," Shikamaru stares stubbornly at the painting hanging behind Kurenai's head, it's somewhat endearing, "and I know Asuma was really moved," he adds.

 

"He loves you and you love him," she says matter-of-fact, "a ninja's world is painted in blood and scorched at the edges with pain and loss," she says tiredly. "He loves you and you love him," she watches the steam rising from their cups, "it's rare and precious and _needs_ to live on," she smiles sadly, "at the very least to give the rest of us some hope," she jokes. It falls flat.

 

"You still love him," he says, perceptive as ever. 

 

"Surely you of all people know that you can't just stop loving someone," Kurenai has no patience for mind games, and certainly not against someone with whom she doesn't stand a chance. Not in this arena at least. 

 

"No. You're right. It's impossible. Love can change, but it never goes away."

 

Kurenai takes pity on the boy with eyes too wise for his own good, "I love him, so by extension, I love how happy you make him."

 

"...Thank you," Shikamaru eventually says incredulously.

 

Kurenai just selects another cookie and smiles beatifically. Her heart still aches, but it aches less, it aches less.     

  

Kurenai looks across the table and sees cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass and perceptive almond eyes that are even sharper. She sees a chūnin of twenty-two years, lauded by the village, the same village that whispers about "bed-sports" and "shame" and " ", to be a genius and force of nature in the making.

 

Kurenai sees a beautiful young man who is almost too brilliant for the village that often seems more interested in his love-life than that impressive mind.

 

Kurenai sees a sharp, rueful curve to his lips, it speaks of pain and loss and a heart too big for its own good. ( _That part is familiar_ ). It speaks of learning a lot of lessons the hard way. ( _Also familiar_ ).  

 

Kurenai sees the sharp boy who took her own boy. She hates herself for thinking it, yet it doesn't stop her from thinking it anyway. He will always be the one who _won_ in that respect. And _kami_ it used to hurt, used to sting like the unique way kunai rips through flesh, the dull lingering pain, the hangover, from being struck over the head with a blunt object.

 

It still smarts but _less_. It still hurts and Kurenai loves Asuma, always will, but the sting is gone. The hangover has dissipated. It just hurts like poking a yellowing bruise that hasn't completely healed. It hurts like something that you know you have to let go of.

 

( _Bruises always heal eventually_.) 

 

Kurenai looks at Shikamaru and sees hope. Hope that he can succeed where she couldn't. She can see the brightness Asuma has awakened in Shikamaru and sees hope that same light to be liberated from inside her chest as well.

 

She holds her cup aloft, Shikamaru mirrors her action warily. At the very least Kurenai thinks she's up one new friend and ally. 

 

She'll count that as a win. 


	9. watching stars collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from 'Shallows' by Daughter
> 
> This one is set around a month or two after 'and I could write a song'

Asuma swings by the Nara Compound to drop off some of Shikamaru's clothes that got mixed up in his laundry. He's not expecting Yoshino to greet him at the door and inform him that Shikamaru and his father are tending to deer in the forest.

 

Asuma immediately offers to come back later when Shikamaru is in. Yoshino gives him an unimpressed look, she tells him to, "stop being silly, come in and have some tea, they'll be back soon."

 

When she enquires what Asuma needs to return to Shikamaru, Asuma struggles to answer as blandly as possible, "just some clothes he left at my place."

 

The hand supporting the teapot and pouring the tea doesn't so much as tremble. Yoshino does put it down to stare at Asuma though _. Hard._

 

Asuma can feel the twin laser beams of her scrutinising gaze and he settles on sitting with his back ramrod straight and eyes trained on the tranquil landscape painting hanging behind her head.

 

His memory supplies the helpful tidbit that, though Nara Yoshino may not be on active duty anymore, in her day, she was one hell of a chūnin. Frighteningly capable, ready to kill at the drop of a hat, and incredibly loyal.

 

She may not be on active duty anymore but there's nothing like a mother's concern for her only child to reawaken homicidal tendencies.

 

She surprises Asuma by bursting into laughter. Asuma is so shocked he momentarily disregards his sense of self-preservation, "I-I'm sorry, Nara-sama?"

 

"Oh Asuma," she gasps between laughs, "it's long past time for you to call me Yoshino don't you think?"

 

"Ye-es, _Yoshino,"_ he tests out uncertainly, "forgive me for asking," _and tempting fate_ , "but… why are, why are you…"

 

Yoshino rolls her eyes, "Shikamaru has been staying with you on-and-off for a while now Asuma, I didn't think you were sitting around doing crosswords," she remarks dryly.

 

Asuma colours.

 

"I'm not going to throw you a _party_ , but I'm certainly not going to demonise you for something that is rather standard in an adult relationship, is it not?"

 

"… Thank you, Yoshino," Asuma feels lightheaded.

 

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, tell me how everything's going?" she asks business-like.

 

" _Well_. Everything is going well," Asuma smiles, feeling a little more surefooted, "ever since the- the mission, we've-" Asuma searches for the most appropriate word, "… it feels like we're on the _same page_."

 

"Near-death experiences tend to do that… force perspective," she nods encouragingly. "You realise what really matters… each other," she bites her lip, "everyone else, everything else… is just _background noise_."

 

"Exactly," Asuma nods. "It's… eye-opening," he chuckles incredulously, "it changes things. It _confirms_ things."

 

"Shikamaru is _brilliant_ , like his father, perhaps he will become more so in the future," Yoshino looks like she's lost in thought, " _brilliant men_ … they're… they're easy to fall in-love with, but sometimes… sometimes it's difficult to just _be._   She takes a deep breath, "and to keep _being…_ with them."

 

"I won't be leaving Shikamaru the moment things get tough," Asuma assures her.

 

"You won't get a signpost telling you it's getting bad," she says tiredly, "it'll creep up on you and then one day you'll wake up and realise it feels like you're drowning in the fact that you can't stand another day with the person you love most." She wraps her hands around her steaming cup of tea, "one day you'll wake up and you won't be able to remember the last time everything was better than just _okay_."

 

There's a story there and a lot of questions Asuma wants to ask but he knows now is not the time, he knows Yoshino is sharing something personal with Asuma. She's trying to teach him, warn him of, something.

 

"I trust we'll get through it together," Asuma says softly. "He knows me… even- _especially_ the unpleasant parts, and there are lots of those," he smiles wryly, "he's seen my worst and he brings out my best, so trust me Yoshino-san, I won't be walking away if it starts getting hard."

 

"Good," Yoshino smiles,  "I won't threaten to individually extract your knuckles or gut you like a fish if you hurt Shikamaru, that's a little too insulting to him." She refills Asuma's cup, "however I will let you know that you almost _broke_ Shikamaru the first time you left him, and now you'll have to carry that around with you for the rest of your life."

 

Asuma nods jerkily and sips his tea. He makes a note to pray for anyone foolish enough to consider crossing Nara Yoshino.

 

Yoshino looks off into the distance lost in thought. "People tend to dismiss Shikamaru, he used to encourage it too in his own little way, but few people really understood that about him." She smiles absentmindedly, "or more accurately _, why_ he does that."

 

She turns her gaze on Asuma, "why do _you_ think he does that?"

 

He wants to laugh _, if she thinks she's going to trip him up on this she's mistaken_ , "he does it because he knows how big his heart actually is, he's a strategic mind, he knows what he's working with, his strengths and _weaknesses,_ he knows how much of a capacity to _love_ and to _care_ he has," he meets her gaze, "it _scares_ him."

 

"It scares him how much caring, _loving_ , can hurt you," he says simply. "So he chose not to." Asuma remembers the old Shikamaru and his blank, uncaring eyes daring you to be exactly who he expects you to be, _daring you to disappoint him just like everyone else_. "…So he chose to let others keep that distance, form their opinions, and leave him be, so he couldn't disappoint them and they couldn't disappoint him."

 

There's a pregnant pause.

 

Yoshino abruptly reaches across the table to clasp Asuma's hands. "Asuma, I-" she blinks and darkening splotches stain the tabletop, "I'm glad Shikamaru has you in his life. Make sure-" She smiles, eyes glittering, "make sure you protect that stubborn heart of his."

 

"Yes, Yoshino."

 

-

 

"Asuma, you need apples, carrots, potatoes, and probably some bananas, you need fresh produce, that means things that grow from the earth, and don't come out of plastic packaging," Shikamaru murmurs as he inspects a tomato.

 

" _Ha-ha_ , very funny," Asuma wraps an arm around Shikamaru's waist and squeezes, "if you buy me potatoes and carrots I'll make the curry that you like tonight," he barters teasingly into Shikamaru's ear.

 

"Be still my beating heart," Shikamaru deadpans. Asuma laughs and tugs Shikamaru closer to his chest. Mr Makito, who owns the fruit and vegetable stall, and is well-acquainted with their antics, just chuckles.

 

Asuma grins rakishly and his gaze wanders over to the dango stall a few doors down, he's been craving some mitarashi dango for a few days and he wants to wheedle some out of Shikamaru who has decided to take executive control over Asuma's dietary habits.

 

Shikamaru feels Asuma stiffen and immediately retracts his arm, he looks around questioningly. Asuma's eyes are wide and he's blushing furiously, Shikamaru follows his gaze and makes eye contact with his mother.

 

His mother rolls her eyes and strolls over, "hello boys," she says amicably. "Just getting some groceries?"

 

"Yes, mother," Shikamaru says instinctively.

 

She inspects the contents of their shopping bag and smiles, "what's for dinner?"

 

Asuma grins, "I'm making curry, Shikamaru's favourite," Shikamaru's expression is one of fond resignation.

 

She links her arms with Asuma and pulls him with her, "you can finish up with your tomatoes, Shikamaru," she calls out over her shoulder breezily. "I'm borrowing your strong, boyfriend to carry a sack of rice for me," she informs him.

 

Shikamaru narrows his eyes. His mother is one of the strongest people he knows, there is no way in hell that she needs someone else to carry some fucking _rice_ for her.

 

Mr Makito is trying to hide his laughter in a cough. "Did you still want those tomatoes?" he asks eventually.

 

Shikamaru relents and shrugs, roots around in his pockets for his wallet, "yeah, I guess so, I may as well get some potatoes and carrots too."


	10. you like money (place your bets on me) these odds are going crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished one of my personal favourites. Major HC of mine that in this verse Genma and Shikamaru become good pals. 
> 
> Title from Laura Jansen's 'Wicked World'

Logically it's only a matter of time. Frankly, Shikamaru is thrilled to be assigned to a mission with Genma, the jōnin is efficient, capable, and refreshingly no-nonsense.

 

Put simply, Genma is the type of shinobi Shikamaru loves working with, the type of shinobi who makes Shikamaru's job much easier and coincidentally doesn't throw a fucking child's tantrum when under the command of a subordinate. 

 

Not to mention, as far as emotionally dysfunctional and psychologically fucked up shinobi go, Genma is positively well-adjusted. Not to say he doesn't have his issues, they all do, but Genma would appear to deal with his demons relatively well, that or he and his demons have come to a polite agreement. He wouldn't be the first shinobi to either.

 

Their mission is a fairly straightforward assassination and honestly Shikamaru is just glad to get out of the village for a while, he didn't like the _war widow_ looks he'd been getting before they brought Asuma back, but the ones he's getting now? After forcibly dragging Asuma back with just his wits and bare, bloodied hands (and heart)?

 

Worse. Much. _Worse_.

 

So, in conclusion: Shikamaru is very much ready to get out of the village, assassinate a missing-nin with some disturbing serial-killer tendencies, and shake off that sensation of being _untethered_ he's inexplicably been drowning in. Fighting a current that seems hellbent on swallowing him whole.

 

Maybe he's packing his kunai with a little more _zeal_ than is strictly necessary but it's been a long few weeks.

 

"Ready to go?" Genma enquires as they make last minute weapons checks by the village gates.

 

Shikamaru scowls, "yes, obviously, I'm fine, it's _all fine_."

 

Genma raises his hands, "woah, sorry I asked, I just meant that we have four days of travel ahead of us, and, with all due respect, I think you should try to pace yourself and reserve some of that homicidal energy for when we're closer to the target." 

 

Genma is a capable and intelligent shinobi. He's not irreparably or glaringly fucked up. He doesn't have issues with answering to a chūnin.

 

_And he has a thoroughly messed up sense of humour._

 

Shikamaru is slightly in-love with him.

 

(Also he doesn't know if he wants to take missions with anyone else ever again.)

 

-

 

"So," Genma opens casually as he settles back against a tree trunk, "and keep in mind that I need to be alive at the end of the mission for it to be formally classed as successful," he qualifies.

 

Shikamaru frowns.

 

"How are you and Asuma, you know _, after."_

 

"You cannot possibly imagine how sick I am of talking about how Asuma is recuperating af-"

 

"That wasn't what I was asking and you are way too smart to not get that."

 

Shikamaru sighs, "what do you want me to say Genma… it's _nice_ and _clearer_ than it's ever been but also more fucking _complicated_ than ever as well…"

 

"If you don't feel comfortable talking about it with me that's fine, Shikamaru," Genma sighs, leaning back against the tree. "But I'm just saying, it wouldn't surprise me if shit like that messes with a relationship's dynamic, and I figured you might want to talk to someone who isn't obsessively invested in your relationship."

 

"I… yeah, you're right, it has… shifted things," Shikamaru slumps, "he's everything and now he _knows_ that… I… I showed him my hand before I even realised it myself…"

 

"… So now it's a little too raw and honest to not be awkward?" Genma finishes for him.

 

"Yeah." He laughs wryly, "he knows I would- that I _have_ fallen apart without him… and shit… everything was going really well before but _fuck_ that changes things and speeds them up and I'm not sure I was ready to give him that power over me… not even **give** it to him _fuck_ I wasn't comfortable with the _idea of it_ yet, not even unconsciously and now _he knows_ and I see it every time he watches me a little too long, with a little too much fondness, and guilt, and surprise, _and fuck_ I _\- we're_ not ready for that."

 

Genma whistles around his senbon, "… wow, get it all off your chest."

 

"I can love him with every fibre of my being but still want to slow down, right?"

 

"Sounds like you don't want to slow down," Genma remarks, "sounds more like you miss having the upper hand."

 

Shikamaru grunts begrudgingly, "yeah, probably."

 

Genma takes pity on him, "relationships are like that, I'd hazard that _love_ is like that, it's like never having the upper-hand again, so the real question is are you ready for that? Do you love him enough to relinquish the upper-hand?" Genma's gaze is trained on some far-off point, "it's okay if you're not sure, it's okay if you still want _both_ , right now just make your decision based solely on how much you love him."

 

Shikamaru thinks for a few moments. Thinks about the good and the bad. The blissful and the ugly. Warm mornings wrapped up in soft sheets and each other. Screaming matches in the early days and the icy silence of knowing with painful resignation that the verbal bullets made contact with their targets.

 

Aching, injured limbs, and the uniquely familiar comfort of one particular embrace.

 

He thinks of the difference between being alone but holding all the cards, and loving and allowing himself to be loved and surrendering some of the high ground.

 

Shikamaru closes his eyes and knows exactly what his answer is.

 

"Yeah… yeah, I do. I love him enough to give up this one inconsequential thing."

 

"I remember when he first came to us about you, and about getting back together," Genma smirks to himself, "he was so… hopeful and happy."

 

Shikamaru looks away but his face heats up.

 

"And obviously everyone had their reservations, can you blame us? But… but I mean he was _so deliriously happy,_ and we see _so little_ of that within our ranks, how could anyone not eventually relent? I mean we're murderers and weapons of destruction and harbingers of pain and so forth but we're not _monsters_."

 

"This could still go down in violent flames," Shikamaru observes.

 

Genma rolls his eyes, "after the last time? Neither of wouldn't let that happen again, I'm fairly confident of that," he dismisses. He chews thoughtfully on his senbon, "violent flames? More like lingering embers if anything, and that shit still hurts but at least it won't burn the forest down."

 

-

 

Shikamaru crouches down by the wrought iron gate. "Intel says he'll be coming out for his evening stroll  around now, we'll have a half hour window before anyone gets suspicious."

 

Genma nods, "are we drawing him somewhere more private or is it a quick job and then get out?"

 

"I don't want to risk anything by complicating it," Shikamaru frowns, "there's a pavilion about five minutes away, close by and plausible enough for him to wander there himself, and private enough to do the deed and be confident there are no onlookers." He narrows his eyes, "we can't risk a genjutsu, we're going have to do this the old-fashioned way," he clasps his hands together and morphs into a bewitchingly, doe-eyed woman.

 

"I take it Asuma doesn't need to know about this part?" Genma offers wryly.

 

Shikamaru effects a coquettish smile, wispy lashes fluttering, "who do you think helped me hone these skills?" His plump lips are pouting but those calculating eyes are still as sharp and dangerous as ever.

 

Genma shudders. Shikamaru laughs and quickly muffles it.

 

He straightens up and brushes down his kimono, the embroidered chrysanthemum glint lowly in the moonlight. The threads a soft champagne gold that catches the eye. Not gaudily, just gently alluring. The pale, baby blue of the silk almost glows in the low light and makes Shikamaru's disguise look otherworldly.

 

For someone who isn't normally involved in _this_ physical component of missions, for someone who neither excels in nor enjoys employing henges, Shikamaru is quite adept at picking a compelling one. Though Genma supposes a born strategist knows how to wring the most out of every available move.

 

"I'll-" Shikamaru rolls his eyes as he combs his fingers through silken strands, " _lure_ him to the gazebo, hang back," he blows a loose lock of caramel brown hair out of his face, "I have a feeling we'll need to capitalise on the element of surprise, or at the very least have it up our sleeves just in case."

 

Genma shrugs, "I'll give you two a wide berth but I'll be surveilling from just ahead."

 

Shikamaru nods, he's grateful yet again that he's paired with Genma. He trusts that Shikamaru knows what he's doing, trusts that he can handle his role in this, and trusts that Shikamaru knows what role Genma needs to play.

 

Shikamaru sweeps the loose lock of hair behind an ear, just like how he's seen Ino do it, _loosely_ , so he can surreptitiously shake it out and let it fall in front of his eyes if he _really_ needs to distract the target. 

 

He takes a deep breath and focuses on slowing his strides to that of a graceful seductress.

 

He hears, or more accurately _doesn't hear_ , Genma move through the trees.

 

He calms his beating heart as he turns around the corner, he pretends not to see the mark lurking around the side of the garden. Pretends not to see the target's eyes widen and darken. Pretends not to notice the way the kimono he deliberately chose catches in the moonlight and focuses instead on counting his steps.

 

Shikamaru counts up to seven and gets a footing on the second step up to the main veranda and makes sure to subtly gather his kimono around him before he tumbles down onto the wooden floorboards, baby blue silk and glinting gold flying around him and falling in a supple, glimmering puddle around his delicate, chosen form.

 

Shikamaru may have no patience for this kind of seduction but that's not to say he doesn't understand the mechanics. That's not to say he doesn't know how to use it against _other people_. 

 

He hears the clattering of the target dropping everything and rushing over, strong arms supporting Shikamaru's sides, "are you alright, sweetheart?" a smooth voice enquires.

 

"Oh I'm fine, just a little tumble," he simpers.

 

"What's a beautiful young lady such as yourself doing here at this hour?" he helps Shikamaru to his feet with a gentle but insistent hand.

 

"Oh, I was looking for the marble gazebo?" he makes sure his lilting voice is as guileless as possible without veering into saccharine. "I was going to ask if anyone living here knew the way," he bites his lip, "I heard it's particularly stunning when bathed in moonlight."

 

The man's eyes light up, _hook,_ his hand on Shikamaru's arm stays **exactly** where it is, _line_ , "oh absolutely, it's truly," he gives Shikamaru a lascivious smile, "a sight to behold, in fact, I'd be honoured to accompany you there _," and sinker._

 

Times like these Shikamaru is truly saddened by the male sex.

 

Instead, he ducks his head and murmurs a soft, "thank you, I probably would have been wandering around alone all night had you not helped me."

 

He laughs magnanimously, "no trouble, sweetheart, my name is Hisanori," the hand on the small of Shikamaru's back is large and warm and its solid presence has an undercurrent of a threat.

 

_He used his real name though. Fool._

 

"My name is Sumire," Shikamaru offers.

He knows Genma must be ahead of them, he can sense the tell-tale quiet, the _void,_ the lack of sound produced by an elite ninja moving silently through a forest. He would cast his mind out to try and get a handle on Genma's shadow but he doesn’t want to risk a noticeable chakra impression. Not while he's so close to the target and trying to gain some semblance of trust.

 

Hisanori is leading him towards the gazebo mercifully, Shikamaru briefly considered if he was going to try and lead him to a dark corner and try to have his way with him. Not that Shikamaru wouldn't be able to handle such a diversion, in fact, if Hisanori chose a secluded enough location, it may have even been more convenient, logistically speaking that is.

 

Shikamaru isn't too fussed either way.

 

"Here it is Sumire," he purrs a little too close to Shikamaru's ears for his liking.

 

And yes. There it is. In all its glory.

 

The white marble is gleaming in the moonlight.

 

A voice that sounds suspiciously like his mother helpfully reminds him that blood is very easy to clean off of well-sealed marble. The shiny surface of the gazebo almost glows and Shikamaru has sat through enough lectures from Ino to know that the gold threads of his kimono are really going to pop against that. It's just a plus to also know they won't have to work too hard at removing the inevitable stains as well.

 

Hisanori leads him up the stairs and Shikamaru spares a thought for how inconvenient surveillance must be for Genma with so many reflective surfaces involved. It's then that he realises, _yes,_ Genma is almost certainly on the roof of the gazebo and Shikamaru begins planning in earnest accordingly.

 

On the way here, with an unwanted hand on his lower back and another gripping his forearm, Shikamaru had decided Hisanori was going to get a painful death. A painful and _lengthy_ one.

 

Hisanori presses a kiss to Shikamaru's soft, elegant hand. Shikamaru changes his mind then and there _, if Genma doesn't break his neck I will._

 

Before he can try to say something that isn't "remove your hands from my persons before I do the world a favour and snap your neck," Hisanori has Shikamaru crowded up against the railing of the pavilion and presses his face into Shikamaru's neck.

 

"Oh Sumire darling, I simply won't be able to let you go without something for me as well, I know you want this too," _oh great, a sexually violent predator as well as a serial killer,_ Shikamaru thinks to himself as a hand works its way up his leg under layers of silk. He really hopes the reward for this mission is _hefty._

 

He spots Genma drop from the roof and land without a sound, "your first mistake was underestimating me."

 

Shikamaru continues evenly as Genma advances. "Your first mistake was underestimating me, the other was killing three shinobi of the Leaf and thinking there would be no retribution." Shikamaru drops the henge and takes great pleasure in the way Hisanori's eyes widen and he starts backing away, hands going straight to a knife strapped to his leg.

 

He's not fast enough. Genma plunges a kunai into his neck and he crumples onto the ground. Shikamaru takes a step back to avoid the bulk of the arterial spray. "The last mistake was assuming I would want your disgusting hands anywhere near my body," he says tonelessly as he watches the last dregs of life desert Hisanori's eyes.

 

He crouches down next to the body to make sure he's dead. He doesn't imagine anyone would survive a kunai to the neck but hey, weirder things have happened. It only takes a few seconds to ascertain death and Shikamaru has been accused of many things but never of leaving things to chance.

 

Genma readies scroll to seal the body for transportation back to Konoha and Shikamaru does a quick check of the perimeter. When he's back the body is gone and Genma is leant against one of the marble pillars, the moon still high and bright in the night sky.

 

"…So I spotted a novelty tea shop by the inn that's open twenty-four hours," Genma says conversationally as he picks some dried blood out from under a fingernail, "did you want to grab something to eat?"

 

Shikamaru sinks back and sighs, there's still blood drying on his front, the body isn't even technically cold yet, and Genma is suggesting they go get _snacks_.

 

_Such a fucked up sense of humour._

 

He smirks, "should we change first?"

 

Genma makes a show of rolling his eyes, "I suppose we should."

 

Shikamaru _really_ hopes he gets assigned more missions with Genma.


	11. you are the only exception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brief mention of honey-pot training from the last drabble.

It's a warm Saturday morning. The type that breathily promises a lazy breakfast under the warm sunny rays and a day of purposeless lazing about.

 

Or at least that _would_ be the plan for the day if Asuma hadn't resolutely set his mug of coffee down and announced, "Shikamaru today we're going to prepare you for your first solo mission."

 

Shikamaru groans. "It's Saturday."

 

"Don't worry," Asuma chuckles, "this won't be- at least it _shouldn’t_ b _e_ too physically strenuous."

 

Shikamaru cocks his head, "why are you being coy? You're _never_ coy," he accuses.

 

Asuma smiles, he leans back in his chair, "your challenge is to," he pulls a cigarette out of a pocket, his first for the day, "is to _seduce_ me," he declares, popping the top of his lighter.

 

Shikamaru snorts, "I think last night's _activities_ prove how entirely unnecessary that challenge is."

 

Asuma sighs loudly, the tips of his ears red, "you're going on a _solo_ mission, Shikamaru, and as exceptionally gifted as you are, no one can afford to go on a mission by themselves without being able to utilise every ability, every dirty trick, and every whisker of an advantage," he takes a contemplative puff, "because out there? Surely I don't need to tell you that the tiniest scrappy, desperate edge can mean the difference between life and death."

 

Shikamaru is stunned into silence. He swallows loudly.

 

"So give an old man some piece of mind that his beloved will come home to him, Asuma pushes himself out of his seat and leans in, "you have ten minutes to make your preparations, when I come back out here you have to emotionally compromise me."

 

With that, he breezes out onto the balcony so and Shikamaru starts carefully putting his plan together.

 

-   

 

Asuma considers giving Shikamaru the full ten minutes but then decides that a genius can afford to be tested and shaves three minutes off, pushing the door open on the seventh minute.

 

The living room is empty.

 

Asuma sighs and makes his way over to the couch.

 

Just as he settles down there's a knock at the door, he narrows his eyes but makes his way over. He opens the door and is taken aback by the sight of Shikamaru - _the sneaky brat must have snuck out -_ drenched in water, shirt clinging to his shivering body, jacket almost slipping off his lithe shoulders the way he's clutching at it.

 

Asuma fights the urge to throw a towel at him and yell that he's going to catch his death like this, instead he turns to stare sceptically at the cloudless blue sky, Shikamaru claps an icy hand on his face to stop him and direct Asuma back to face him. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" he asks silkily, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip.

 

Asuma finds himself nodding. He ushers Shikamaru in.

 

He plays along and goes to put the kettle on, "please, make yourself at home," he motions to the couch, choosing to ignore the absurdity of the situation. "I'll make you a hot drink," he offers, he's pleased when Shikamaru's answering smile is shyly grateful rather than wry _. Good. He's taking it seriously then._

 

He turns to the cupboards as his mind whirs, _what is Shikamaru playing at_ _though,_ he pulls out the tin of tea and two mugs on muscle memory.

 

When he returns to the living room, Shikamaru is curled up on the lone armchair, _interesting,_ Asuma sets the tray down and presses a steaming cup into Shikamaru's hands, he himself settles back onto the couch.

 

"What brings you to my-"

 

In a blink, Shikamaru is sat astride Asuma's lap, and despite his best efforts, Asuma's eyes darken. A single finger comes up to Asuma's lip, "the very winds of fate blew me to your doorstep and the relentless rains of Spring left me docked at your port," he murmurs.

 

Asuma is transfixed. Shikamaru allows a small chuckle.

 

"Why-"

 

"Surely, you have some better questions to ask, Sarutobi-sama."

 

"I-," and Asuma opens his mouth and closes it, trying desperately to claw back some semblance of decorum. His hands twitch, he reaches for the handful of senbon stashed in his pocket, Shikamaru's hand bats it away and drags it up to the small of his waist. 

 

Asuma tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut as he watches Shikamaru shrug out of his sopping shirt from his position, perched on Asuma's lap. He knows that shinobi cannot afford as many scruples as many other people. He knows that there may well be a time when Shikamaru needs to do this- perhaps, more than this, to complete a mission, to secure his safety. He knows there are more dire scenarios he could be concerned over, he knows that he should just be grateful Shikamaru comes home to him at the end of the day.

 

It still makes something sad and protective well up inside of him though and his hands fall lamely to his sides.

 

Sensing his defeat Shikamaru leans forward, Asuma's hands instinctively come up to his hips, grounding him. Shikamaru leans into Asuma's ear and takes pity on him, he produces a kunai and presses it to Asuma's jaw, the cold metal acts as a welcome shock to his system. "This is the part where I would slit his throat for daring to commit crimes against Konoha and for placing his hands on my body," he whispers not unkindly.  

 

Asuma takes a deep relieved breath and surrenders himself to the inevitable, burying his head in Shikamaru's neck, "I failed that… but you pass with flying colours," he mutters.

 

"It's okay, _I'll_ be okay," Shikamaru reassures him, and after a second, " _thank you_ for this."

 

Asuma nods, he steels himself, and when he looks at Shikamaru next his gaze is steely, "no scruples, no hesitation, no pride, you come home to me no matter what."

 

"You too," Shikamaru murmurs. Asuma grabs a ratty throw and wraps it around Shikamaru's shoulders, tries to rub some heat back into his body. Shikamaru laughs gently, "also I think I need to _refine_ my technique, I'll probably need some more private tutelage."

 

Asuma laughs, he leans back and Shikamaru follows, attaching himself to Asuma's front like a particularly stubborn limpet. 

 

It's fucked up and it also can't be helped. It's the lives they've chosen to live.

 

It can't be fixed because it's something that has to stay broken.

 

It can't be fixed because, in that sense, it's not broken.

 

So, it's a little broken and little fucked up but it's _them._ For better or worse. It's _them._

 

(Yesterday, today, tomorrow.)

 

It's _them_ and they'll protect it too.


	12. stare at me with the lights off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Daughter's 'Touch'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knocked this one out in two hours. Fittingly rough.

Asuma hears about it from Genma in the jōnin lounge.

 

"Yeah, unknown rebel forces in coordination with internal dissenters trying to stage a coup," he says incredulously to Raidō, "clearly they didn't care that a Konoha diplomatic corp would get caught in the crossfire, crazy fuckers," he shakes his head.

 

_Shikamaru was leading a diplomatic corp in Suna._

 

The words are out of his mouth before he knows it, "are they-"

 

Genma turns, his eyes widen and he winces when on noticing Asuma, _"-shit,_ yeah they're fine, Sarutobi, should have lead with that, sorry." He claps a hand on Asuma's forearm, "your boyfriend managed to negotiate with hostile forces, utilise meagre military options to stall volatile troops, and also outwit and _contain_ a bloodthirsty lunatic."

 

He plucks the senbon out of his mouth and uses it to point in the vague direction of the map on the wall, "it had all the makings of an international catastrophe of epic proportions," he adds.

 

Asuma has known Genma for almost his entire life, Genma doesn't _gush._

 

Genma doesn't gush but Asuma will eat his old uniform, boots and all, if that isn't _awe_ he's hearing in the usually stoic jōnin's voice.

 

"Any-"

 

"No casualties. All personnel accounted for and back in one piece," Genma's lip quirks but the hand on his arm squeezes reassuringly. 

 

Asuma sighs in relief.

 

"Your boyfriend is gaining quite the reputation," Genma continues, crossing his arms and chewing pointedly on the end of the senbon. Asuma arches a brow. "A master of keeping a cool head in the face of chaos, an expert at reading the odds _and at defying them_."

 

That startles a laugh out of Asuma, "sounds like someone else I know," _so_ _that was **definitely** approval he was hearing in Genma's voice_. 

 

Genma rolls his eyes, "sounds like a fucking keeper, more like," he snorts.    

 

-

 

Asuma shuts the door silently behind him, and stands in the doorway.

 

Shikamaru doesn't look up from his position, cross-legged on the floor, various scrolls spread out around him, large towering folders of reports and a stubborn furrow in his brow. It seems innocuous enough but Asuma knows Shikamaru better than most.

 

He shrugs out of his vest, hangs it up on a hook, and sinks slowly down next to Shikamaru. "What are you doing there?" he asks softly.

 

Shikamaru's forefinger moves across a large slab of text whilst his other hand cross-references a pin-point location on another map, "reading reports, recon, research," he murmurs absentmindedly. Asuma's lips press into a thin line of displeasure, _that's what he thought._

 

"You've just come home from a mission, surely that's not the most urgent thing," he keeps his tone measured.

 

"Ours isn't quite a job where you can just clock out and be done with your responsibilities," Shikamaru remarks sharply.

 

Asuma leans back, "Shikamaru, put the report down, what happened in Suna wasn't your fault, and working yourself to the point of exhaustion won't do anyone any good," he says calmly but leaving no room for argument. Or it would if it wasn't Shikamaru he was talking to.

 

Shikamaru's hand trembles, _he knows the jig is up_ , his hands clench around the report, unforgiving creases carving into the thin almost translucent sheets. "People could have _died_ and it would have been my fault, Asuma, what if I'm not smart enough- not fucking quick enough next time?" Asuma watches angry, glittering tears trickle down those sharp cheekbones resignedly, _kami, is this really the exquisite mess of a man he's fallen for?_

 

"What good is being smart-" Shikamaru smiles, entirely devoid of cheer, "what good is a _great mind,_ if everyone else dies anyway?"

 

Asuma sighs, in one fluid move he tackles Shikamaru onto the ground, the chūnin's back is pressed against the cool floorboards. Asuma brackets his face with his forearms and forces Shikamaru to meet his eyes. Loose sheets of paper flutter to the ground around them and Shikamaru glares furiously back at him like a beautiful, _dangerous_  force of nature.

 

" _Firstly_ , none of this was your fault and if you want to blame someone? The lunatic trying to stage a violent coup is usually a good place to start." Shikamaru opens his mouth but Asuma cuts him off, " _secondly_ , yes, as shinobi it's our duty to make sure everyone makes it home in one piece, but that responsibility doesn't rest entirely on your shoulders, that shit will send you insane and we need you- fuck, _I need you,_ too much for you to go down that road. So don't even think about it."

 

Shikamaru looks away, Asuma allows him this, as long as he's still listening. "Brat _\- Shikamaru,_ take it from someone loves you and who also had to learn this the hard way," Asuma shakes his head, "You can only do your best in the moment, accept the losses where they fall and cherish the wins."

 

"There are always a thousand and one things you could have done differently, a thousand and one ways things could've gone wrong or right. " He sighs, "and you can't carry every single one of them, every demon, on your back for the rest of your life. Life is long and hard enough as it is for us and you can't afford to let yourself be weighed down by every _what if_."

 

"I can't do th- I… I can't just reverse that overnight, Asuma," he says wearily.

 

"Then I'll just remind you every time," Asuma allows, "I don’t mind, you just promise me you'll listen," he bargains.

 

Shikamaru stares at him considering. He pushes himself up into a sitting position. Asuma follows suit.

 

There's a nice quiet moment.

 

Asuma has known Shikamaru for years. He's _learned_ Shikamaru for years, and is _learning_ still. Asuma can read silences. He can interpret clever words and the profound gaps in between. 

 

"I want to finish reading the regional eye-witness reports," Shikamaru says eventually, stubborn as ever.

 

Asuma nods. He can recognise a compromise when it's offered.

 

"Which stack?" he asks simply.

 

Shikamaru blinks, he cocks his head towards a small stack by Asuma's left elbow.

 

"Okay," Asuma pulls roughly half off the top and plonks them in Shikamaru's lap. "I'll take the other half," he explains. Shikamaru watches him and bites his lip before nodding and flipping open the first one. Asuma smiles.

 

Asuma is getting lost in figures and first-hand accounts of various rebel forces when he feels a warm pressure along his side, his eyes flick over to a sheepish Shikamaru leaning against his side.

 

"Thank you," he murmurs, eyes never leaving his report and words so soft Asuma can barely hear them above the flicking of pages. He turns and presses a feather-light kiss to the corner of Asuma's mouth and it's a testament to how far gone Asuma is and how far they've come, that he can read exactly what that kiss conveys.

 

"Any time," Asuma says. _He means it_.

 

Any and every time. 

 

Shikamaru's smile is confined to the corner of his mouth but it still makes something warm spread in Asuma's chest.

 

Asuma shakes his head, he's so fucking _gone_.

 

And regrets?

 

Not a single one.


	13. well this is tortuous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ino and Asuma have a heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Daughter's 'Landfill' 
> 
> also, I love Ino so much.

She loves them. She loves them so much she could all but combust from the sheer totality of it.

 

She loves them.

 

But holy hell they're also kind of _hopeless_.

 

Shikamaru who embodies the word _impressive_ ; but is prone to other types of _impressive_ too. _Impressive_ self-sabotage for one.

 

Asuma-sensei, whom she loves with all her heart, and with stars in her eyes even after all these years. Asuma-sensei, who she'd like to smack over the head sometimes for how his perception of his own value to others does himself such an immense injustice.

 

She's just grateful Choji has never given her any of this kind of trouble. Their mutual, and years-long headache over these two is a shared struggle though, she supposes.

 

(She sighs)

 

Blank slate.

 

New page.

 

She loves them both, _full stop_.

 

She loves them, which is why she invites herself over to the empty seat opposite Asuma-sensei's when she spots him sitting alone in a quiet teashop.

 

He raises a brow lazily and she ignores him, she's had years and years of practice at it.

 

Ino props her chin up on her palms, elbows resting on the dark oak table top; her flaxen hair spills down her shoulders. She doesn't mince her words, there's no purpose to pretence in front of Asuma, "you must have known it hurt him when you left him, but you didn't have to actually pick up the pieces," she bites her lip, "you didn't really _see_ how bad it got."

 

Asuma pushes his untouched cup of tea away from him, he clears his throat, "no… no I did not." 

 

She likes that about Asuma, always has. Ino has grown up hearing horror stories of shinobi with egos so big you'd wonder how they managed to fasten their hitai-ates around those heads. She's heard them through her father's gritted teeth, heard them around her kitchen table and muttered under breaths at the Academy.

 

 _Not her sensei though_ , she thinks with no little pride and affection. 

 

Asuma-sensei has flaws, and it may have taken Ino a little longer than Shikamaru and Choji to confront that- the fact that Asuma really is _human,_ and all that it entails _._

 

But Ino is well aware of it now, she's at peace with it.

 

So this is where they stand: Asuma-sensei is human, he's her hero too. He fucks up but he doesn't have too big an ego to admit it when he does. It's a delicate balancing act. 

 

Not to say sentiment will persuade Ino to go easy on him. She has shit to say.

 

"He- _Kami,_ sensei, you really fucked him up," Ino laughs hollowly. She bites her lip, "fuck, it's almost like, you took a piece of him and, I mean he can function, he's still _brilliant,_ but he's not _the same_ without it, not really."

 

_He's not going to be the same until you give it back. Until you give it back and fix what you broke..._

 

_… and_ **_stay_ ** _this time._

 

"Ino," Asuma says softly, "I would never have- I," he sighs, "I walked away because that's what Shikamaru needed from me, he didn't know it and he didn't know how to ask for it either, but I did it for him."

 

Ino laughs again, short and devoid of any mirth, "with all due respect Asuma-sensei, if you ever truly loved him and, **_fuck_** if you ever _respected_ him? …I don't think you're in any position to make that kind of decision for him."

 

"Perhaps you're right Ino," Asuma concedes wearily. She realises he's saying that because it's too late now anyway. He'll humour her even if he doesn't completely agree with her.

 

And she'll have to make her peace with _that_ too. That Asuma-sensei loves her and would put his life in her hands without a second thought but at the same time, he still doesn't always trust her judgement. Or maybe he just knows her well enough to know Shikamaru is a sore spot… a sore spot she'll defend fiercely and often in the absence of rational thought.

 

In that respect, she understands where he's coming from.

 

(It still hurts a little.)   

 

Ino smiles, "perhaps," she agrees. She can be generous too.

 

"I was so angry at the time, _so angry_ ," she takes a deep shuddering breath, "but after some more time and some more thought I understood better." She nods, a waiter brings her a steaming cup of jasmine tea and she smiles brilliantly at him, she wraps her fingers around the cup and her expression becomes unreadable. "Sometimes it's hard loving someone and wanting the best for them, isn't it?"

 

"It is," Asuma murmurs.

 

The air is thick with understanding. With _hurting._

 

She loves Shikamaru, loves him like a brother, a best friend, a curmudgeon of a guardian and teammate. She knows she'd die for him and he for her. She loves him like one of her limbs but she _doesn't know how to help him_ , she doesn't know what else she can do for him because he's in so much pain.

 

Everyday.

 

And he's- he's just living with it.

 

And fuck, Shikamaru is _smart_ , overwhelmingly so. So that means he's made the calculation, that this is his best bet. Just- just _living with the hurt_ until it doesn't hurt quite as much.

 

That's Nara Shikamaru's _best strategy_ right now.

 

So here she is, sitting across from Asuma, drowning in an exhaustion that she's long since grown accustomed to _._

 

_They both love him and they want to help him, but they don't know how._

 

_They don't know if they_ **_can_ ** _._

 

 _It's_ ** _funny_** , Ino thinks tiredly to herself _, ha-ha_.

 

She wants to cry.

 

"And you do- …you still love him," she says resigned. It's not phrased as a question.

 

"Yes, of course," Asuma sighs, "you don't just-"

 

"- _You can't just turn that off,"_ Ino finishes for him with a furtive grin, "yeah someone else said that too." She watches the steam from their cups waft up to the ceiling, it reminds her of long summer afternoons sprawled on the grass with the team, watching the smoke from Asuma's cigarette snake its way into the blue sky, sweat drying on their skin from training all day.

 

She allows a few moments to bask in the warmth of nostalgia, then she shakes herself, "he still loves you too," she adds lamely. "You probably already knew though."

 

Asuma sighs again, "yeah… I-," he smiles wryly, "I didn't want to…," he sighs _and kami_ he looks like a mess; conflicted and flawed and _human._  "I didn't want to… to hop-… _yeah_ , I had a feeling."

 

Ino presses her lips together, she feels like she's going to choke on the hopelessness but Yamanakas do not cry in respectable teahouses and certainly not in front of their sensei, "why couldn't you make this easy for me, huh? Just be an awful person who never loved him and could just be neatly cut out of his life?"

 

Asuma chuckles. It's a little pained too. If Ino's choking on the hopeless irony of the situation then _kami_ , Asuma must have been drowning in it for _months_. 

 

Ino's resolve hardens, "suffice to say I didn’t really have a proper plan when I came to see you today," she smiles wryly, "you know better than anyone that plans are usually left to… to someone else, but-" She takes another shuddering breath and her clear blue eyes _burn._ They burn like a flame that will swallow mountains whole and leave nothing but rubble in its wake, "don't-… _please_ don't hurt him again."

 

It's a plea. A desperate, painful, earnest thing of a plea.

 

 

"I- I'm trying, I," he chokes on a bitter laugh, "I _tried_."

 

And yeah, Ino even said so herself, Asuma's always been man enough to admit when he fucked up.


	14. if you ever want to be in love

It's ironic really, it's such an inconsequential mission. Just a routine reaffirming of diplomatic ties in Kiri. The type of thing jōnin get sent on more for show than actual necessitation of their skillset.

 

Shikamaru is carrying a scroll displaying the seal of the Hokage whilst Genma is displaying an expression of violent disinterest. To be fair to him, Raidou and Asuma aren't that much better.

 

Shikamaru's eyes land on the kunoichi who is stood straight-backed by the main tower. She turns to him as he approaches, eyes flicking to his hitai-ate, and nods. Shikamaru extends the scroll and opens his mouth to offer a generically diplomatic greeting but her sharp eyes dart past Shikamaru, over his shoulder, and she does a double-take.

 

Shikamaru's eyes narrow as hers widen. Her jaw drops, " _Sarutobi_ - _Asuma_?"

 

Shikamaru's gaze wanders over to Asuma who scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, "Hikari-san, how are you?"

 

He watches on with amusement as Radou and Genma exchange knowing looks.

 

Hikari scoffs and places a hand on her hip, "what's with the Hikari _-san_ bullshit _,_ Asuma? You weren't so concerned with _propriety_ last time we saw each other," _and yeah, there it is: the_ ** _flirtation_**.

 

Asuma's awkward chuckle and shrug all but confirm Shikamaru's suspicions.

 

Shikamaru is a veritable genius but it wouldn't take a genius to see that they have a history. A sexual one.

 

He snorts loudly, Asuma colours and Hikari misinterprets Shikamaru's reaction and immediately apologises. "I'm so sorry shinobi-san, Sarutobi and I are old friends," she bows low, "I'll deliver this," she accepts the scroll from his still extended hand, "and I'll take you all to the check-in point," she adds.

 

 _She has dimples_ , Shikamaru notes faintly.

 

Dimples and bright, intuitive emerald eyes. Dark ebony hair. A killer smile. 

 

Shikamaru smiles with uncharacteristic graciousness; from the corner of his eyes he can see Genma and Raidou's mirrored wary expressions, "no need to apologise but thank you, shinobi-san," Shikamaru bows back and bestows the respectful title as well.

 

Raidou looks up at the sky as if to ask it, " _what the fuck is going on?_ "

 

Shikamaru follows behind Hikari as she leads the way with swift, purposeful strides, he slows his own by a fraction so that Asuma ends up walking next to her. Asuma throws Shikamaru a dirty look as he passes him. Shikamaru just smiles mildly as he bends down to fiddle with the non-existent closure on his regulation shoes.

 

He can hear Genma smother his laughter with an unconvincing cough.

 

Shikamaru watches the back of Asuma and Hikari's heads. The way they interact with a casual intimacy that can only be borne of… well… _intimacy_. It's interesting to observe.

 

The casual brushing of shoulders, the way they instinctively angle towards each other, body-language open. The ease of smiles given and accepted.

 

"So…" there's a cheeky glint in her eye, "anyone special in your life right now?" and Shikamaru has to hand it to her, it's devoid of any bitterness or jealousy, it's just genuine well-meaning curiosity.

 

"Any pretty girls?" she ventures, "or handsome young men?" she adds, cocking her head and waggling her eyebrows. The two jōnin trailing behind Shikamaru are simultaneously struck by violent coughs. Shikamaru is tempted to join them but opts instead for a polite smile. 

 

Asuma scowls. Then, like the dawn breaking, he laughs incredulously, Hikari smiles cautiously, eyes darting between the four men. "Yeah… there's," Asuma shrugs, "there's someone special person in my life right now, he's… yeah."

 

Hikari beams, "oh! I'd love to meet him."

 

Raidou has to solemnly thump Genma on the back; he's laughing that hard. Shikamaru is biting the inside of his cheek so hard it's a wonder he hasn't drawn blood.

 

Hikari arches a brow, Asuma groans, "they enjoy embarrassing me," he settles on. A lie by omission perhaps but he's not exactly wrong either.

 

"Isn't that what they're meant to do?" she remarks with a devastating smirk. Shikamaru can see that Asuma has something of _a type_.

 

Hikari leads them to a tall, creamy taupe-coloured, building and informs the receptionist that the Konohagakure party of three has arrived and that she's has their accompanying paperwork which she'll duly deliver to the Mizukage. She turns and places a telling hand on Asuma's arm, Shikamaru arches a brow despite himself, "we need to catch up afterwards," Hikari insists, hand lingering for a fraction of a second.

 

Asuma grunts noncommittally and she chuckles _, she's clearly not_ ** _thick_** _and Shikamaru can't tell if he's irked, disappointed, or even impressed by that fact,_ "it was nice meeting all of you as well," she nods at the other three men.

 

She turns and flits off, leaving them waiting in the hallway.

 

It's stiflingly awkward for a brief moment but then Shikamaru can't hold it back anymore and bursts into laughter, Genma and Raidou follow soon after. Asuma joins them eventually, albeit reluctantly at first.

 

"Holy shit," Shikamaru gasps, he's laughing so hard his knees are shaking and he has to brace a hand on the wall, " _holy shit,_ that was _amazing_ ," he looks up to find Asuma smiling down at him with such heart-clenching fondness.

 

"I could kiss you right now," Asuma says, entirely too fond and too affectionate given their setting. Shikamaru bites his lip. They can't of course. But- …well he's having _thoughts_ right now.

 

"Ugh, guys please, not in front of the children," Genma groans, throwing his hands up to cover Raidou's eyes, Raidou nods his head emphatically.

 

"Yeah guys, think of the children," Raidou bemoans, eyes still covered.

 

-

 

"So, you and Hikari?" Shikamaru asks innocently over lunch. He selects a slice of tomato and nibbles it, looking at Asuma expectantly. 

 

Asuma takes a deep breath, "yeah… yeah," he shrugs. "A uh, a while ago I was stationed in Kiri for a while... and well… she and I… were… were together for a while…" Asuma trails off uncomfortably.

 

It's almost comical, that Asuma still feels uncomfortable sharing certain parts of his _romantic_ history with Shikamaru, that is.

 

(Comical and a little disheartening if Shikamaru thinks about it for too long.)

 

Shikamaru nods slowly. He can connect the dots just fine.

 

The familiarity between the two and the teasing did suggest more than a one-time roll in the hay.

 

"She's pretty," Shikamaru observes innocently, enjoying Asuma's vague discomfort, "I can tell she's sharp too," he adds, laughter in his eyes.

 

"Yeah well my _boyfriend_ is prettier and sharper," Asuma declares curtly, clearly not taking the bait.

 

Shikamaru bites his lip and stares down at his lap to stifle his small smile. He takes a moment to pity anyone who tries to talk shit about him in front of Asuma. 

 

Asuma reaches out under the table and his hand clasps Shikamaru's, "You're not… I mean you're not jea-"

 

Shikamaru immediately squeezes Asuma's hand, "don't- just _don't,_ I'm not jealous," he reassures Asuma. He rolls his eyes, "plus, I'd have to be pretty _profoundly_ stupid if I thought a shinobi as skilled and attractive and as you would have voluntarily lived like a monk," he scoffs. Normally he'd offer a quip, something along the lines of, " _and you obviously don't think I'm stupid right?"_ but Asuma has endured enough of Shikamaru's teasing for one day. 

 

Asuma breathes a little sigh of relief. It's incredibly endearing.

 

Shikamaru spares a thought for the teasing Genma and Raidou are no doubt just waiting to unleash and considers advising Asuma against letting his guard down too early.

 

Asuma smiles warmly at Shikamaru and squeezes his hand. Shikamaru forgets about everything, the stupid mission, their two long-suffering team members, Asuma's charming ex, the outside world in general.

 

This is his favourite part. His _favourite_.

 

The part where even after all these years, Asuma can still make the rest of the world all but disappear.

 

Shikamaru has long since stopped waiting for this feeling to go away.

 

-

 

"What was Asuma like when he was younger?" Shikamaru asks Raidou as they pack up their supplies, he deliberately waits until the older man is mostly distracted by the task at hand to ask.

 

Raidou's eyes still manage to widen comically and he fumbles with the rolls of bandages clasped in his hands, "uh… well- I mean… as- as a young- _I wouldn't_ \- but as a young… _youth-_ "

 

"-He was wily punk with too much chakra and confidence for his own good, but he was a hit with the ladies, the gentleman, and… well, understandably he took advantage of it," Genma says, all no-nonsense efficiency. Shikamaru has to smile at that, _he really does love Genma._

 

Raidou makes a pained noise like a dying whale. _Shikamaru just might have a soft spot for Raidou too_.

 

Shikamaru ignores his response though and nods thoughtfully as he adjusts the buckle on his pack, "I figured as much."

 

Genma watches Shikamaru intently, "… you're taking this exceptionally well."

 

Shikamaru rolls his eyes, "how stupid does everyone think I am? Because I'm going to start getting offended soon," he remarks wryly. He turns and leans back against the bench, "of fucking course Asuma has had slept with an overwhelming number of people, how does _anyone_ think that would be even remotely surprising to me?"

 

Shikamaru watches Hikari and Asuma laughing and joking together on the side of the main street, the picture of casual intimacy, and muses that it must be so incredibly easy for Asuma to forge these casually physical relationships.

 

(Forge them and then discard them.)

 

How his comfort zone is composed of clear lines of expendability; this distance from the front door to the bed and back mapping the lifetime of a relationship.

 

It's fascinating and slightly terrifying.

 

(He's lying and he knows it; it's almost _entirely_ terrifying)

 

It forces Shikamaru to confront the fact that maybe _this thing between them_ is a huge deal for Asuma too, maybe _this_ is wildly new for him as well.

 

(Maybe _this_ means as much to Asuma as it does to Shikamaru.)

 

Maybe this is painfully, earnestly and frighteningly _serious_ for Asuma too.

 

Shikamaru may be new to this kind of intimacy but Asuma is new to this type of… this  _attachment_. This type of _to the exclusion of all others._

 

This whole _playing for keeps_ business.

 

And Shikamaru doesn't have much of a frame of reference but he can imagine that this kind of adjustment is bile-inducingly terrifying.

 

And maybe it's eye-opening too… the fact that Asuma is like this- was like this. Sleeps- _slept_ around never laid- never _cared_ to lay down roots. That once upon a time Asuma was just another young gun with a chip on his shoulder, the size of which could rival the rock faces that watch over Konoha, and a score to settle with the world at large. 

 

Asuma- Asuma was a bit of an asshole. A loveable one, no doubt, but an _asshole_ nonetheless.

 

He's human. Shikamaru loves him no less for it.

 

(He loves him more; frighteningly more.)

 

(Loves him for his flaws and the man behind the name and broad shoulders. Loves him for how he, albeit reluctantly, entrusts this side of him to Shikamaru.)

 

Shikamaru realises… Shikamaru realises that for all his calculations and considerations of the challenged they face... well, he somehow failed to factor in their respective demons.

 

 _Rookie mistake, Nara,_ he smirks darkly. _Glorification_   _and underestimation are the same sin,_ his fathers stern voice reminds him.  

 

And truth be told...

 

Truth be told Shikamaru is frightened.

 

He feels the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

 

He closes his eyes and breathes in and out deeply.

 

He takes stock of his surroundings just like his father always told him to.

 

Shikamaru stares the beast in the eye.

 

Shikamaru _loves._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one! Comments and kudos are appreciated! Find me on tumblr at storm-in-my-teacup Feel free to send prompts, suggestions :)


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